People
The Inimitable Handwritten Thank-You Note
JOANNE SHENFELD
I was raised in a fairly informal household, with little attention paid to white gloves and fork placement, but social acknowledgments were enforced with boot-camp precision.
The first question after I was picked up from any kind of visit was always the same: “Did you say thank you?” If my answer was “no,” I had to march back in and complete the task.
I never lied about this, but not because I was a particularly compliant child. I was afraid that with her vast networks and uncanny ability to uncover the truth, my mother would find out that I had not actually said “thank you” to anyone, and then who knew what would happen.
And giving thanks was not simply a case of muttering something quietly as I slipped out, but rather, finding the responsible hosting adults and graciously assuring them that this was the best party/dinner/play date I had ever attended.
In Mom’s book, the most egregious etiquette offence was not writing a thank you note for a gift. She never forgot violations of this rule, and had a “no-thank-you note” list dating back to the 1950s.
When any misfortune befell someone on this list, my mother would inevitably say, “Well, you know, we never got a thank-you note for that gift,” as if no further explanation were needed. Illness, financial trouble, divorce, acts of god – all could be traced back to that sin of omission.
My own acknowledgments to relatives and friends were carefully edited, lest I commit another violation: the lacklustre thank-you note. This continued through to my bat mitzvah, the Jewish ritual that marks a girl’s transition to adulthood.
Part of my personal transition was being allowed to write thank-you notes without supervision – a major milestone. I couldn’t be fully trusted to respond on time, however, and to this day my mother will check to verify that I have sent a note if she knows I received something.
Almost as serious as not writing a note was not bringing anything when invited to someone’s home for dinner. This obligation could not be waived, even if the host breezily told you to just “bring yourself.”
When my younger daughter invited her boyfriend to our home for the first time, my mother, of course, wanted to know what he had brought for the meal. I explained that I had told them not to bother with anything, but Mom didn’t miss a beat: “So, what did he bring?” I reluctantly admitted that they had complied with my request.
It was actually my daughter, not her boyfriend, who ended up serving time on the “nothing brought to dinner” list. Although Mom is perhaps not the most modern or politically correct person, she views young men as somewhat less civilized, and thought that my daughter should have overruled the idea of going to dinner empty-handed.
Unlike the “no-thank-you note” list, “nothing brought to dinner” is not a life sentence, however, and my daughter was able to get off that list through restorative action.
This same daughter was also at the centre of another hostess gift faux pas.
One year, she had plans to attend a New Year’s Eve party in another city, which would include an overnight stay. Of course, I wanted to send something special for the parents, who were brave and relaxed enough to host a group of teenagers. My choice was perhaps not the wisest: I sent her off with a festive bottle of sparkling wine.
As you might guess, the wine never made it to the parents, but provided some illicit excitement for the underage partygoers. When my daughter’s actions were found out, I was mortified. Not only had I naively and unwittingly provided illegal alcohol to teenagers, but, perhaps even worse, my daughter had visited overnight without a gift for her adult hosts.
Bringing a gift on the way in, and offering thanks on the way out, still left one final task in Mom’s rulebook.
I was taught to always contact the host within a week after anything that required a strenuous effort, such as a dinner, elaborate home party, or major event such as a wedding.
Back then, the choice came down to a phone call or the postal service. But in these days of tweets, texting and casual communication, should formal acknowledgments be consigned to the dustbin of sealing wax, calling cards, congratulatory telegrams and monogrammed stationery?
Don’t be too sure.
In the midst of all the résumé building, strategizing and networking practised in our competitive economy, sometimes it’s the simple, old-fashioned things that stand out.
I recently met with a new graduate in my profession who wanted help with landing her first position. After reviewing her résumé and discussing job-search tactics and other ways to make the most of her experience, I had one last suggestion. After any contact or interview, she should write a timely, sincere and appreciative thank you note.
She found this advice helpful, and promptly went home and wrote me a lovely note.
My mother would be very proud.
[Courtesy: The Globe and Mail]
March 6, 2015
Conversation about this article
1: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), March 07, 2015, 7:29 PM.
Handwritten thank-you notes were almost non-existent when we were growing up as kids. If anything, we had to first learn how to write and that too in Punjabi. But, as children, we were inundated with reminders of how important it was to say 'please' and 'thank you' and touch the feet of elders until it became second nature. This variant -- of touching the feet of your elders to show respect -- paid rich dividends. It got me married to a lovely, smiling religious girl. I had by then landed a prestigious job as a planter in Malaysia and was ready to settle down. I had no time to go to India for wife-hunting and left it to a committee of my sisters to vet a suitable match. Amongst our community of distant relatives, a suitable girl was found but all of her relatives were not too happy as they had only seen me as a struggling lad trying to find his feet. However, all major decisions had to be approved and ratified by the patriarch grandfather. I won hands down because he remembered my touching his feet every time I saw him. That was the deciding factor in this 'swambher'. There was nevertheless a strict condition attached that under no circumstances was I to meet or see her before the marriage. Would you believe that I saw my wife only after the laavan. My cheeky nieces whispered 'Mama ji, have you see her yet?" "No, not yet, but I can feel her numb feet touching mine!" God forbid if I had written a note, no matter how adulatory; I would have lost her. Here was the peril then of writing a thank-you note.
2: Bhai Harbans Lal (Dallas, Texas, USA), March 10, 2015, 12:35 AM.
Those who thank others and those who thank for every gift including every breath of life excel in studies, business and every life-adventure. Many studies are published to prove it. It was not for nothing that our Gurus designed our ardaas (and see the many references in the Guru Granth Sahib) to be simply thankful to our Creator for all the gifts of life.