People
The Dating Scene
by RAVINDER SINGH
Reading Sahib Singh’s piece, “Myth Buster: Dating and the Sikh Identity,” transported me back to my teenage years in Delhi many moons ago.
Ideas about dating and what it entails may have evolved, but much remains unchanged. I was struck by the remarkable similarities between the experience of Sikh boys in the diaspora today and my recollection of school in the late 60’s and early 70’s.
Sikh boys stood out even then, and not just on account of their appearance. There just weren’t too many of us around. I was the only Sikh boy in my class; there were just a handful in the entire school - both in Singapore and Delhi.
We need to come to grips with the fact that we are a minority everywhere.
Stereotyping is nothing new and Sikhs are no exception. Thanks to 9/11, the image of Sikhs as terrorists pervades the diaspora today, not to mention that we have also been mistaken for Arabs and Iranians. Things were no different thirty-five years ago in Delhi. A Sikh was viewed as a naïve simpleton, all brawn and no brain, uncultured, militant and quick to draw
a sword.
In school in Delhi, what we lacked in numbers and image, we made up for in self-assurance.
Of the four traits that Sahib Singh mentions – self-confidence, personality, interest and attractiveness (good looks) - as necessary to attract women, the Sikh boys in my school were overflowing with the first two, which I actually see as one.
As I look back, it was self-assurance that lent me the courage to ask the most sought after girl in school out for a movie. Not only was she beautiful and popular, she was also a year my senior and a school prefect!
The odds were all stacked against me. I wasn’t tall or handsome. Quite the opposite. I wore a turban. I wrestled and hung out with the natives in local “akhaarras.” We Sikh boys spoke in Punjabi, partly out of defiance to school rules and partly because it made others uncomfortable.
In a school with elitist pretensions, my Sikh appearance and deportment certainly did not hold out much hope, especially when the girl in question was not even remotely Sikh or Punjabi. But surprise. My invite to the movies was accepted and we bonded into a deep friendship - interrupted only by her death, which came a bit too soon.
The moral of my story is simply this: a turban is no barrier to finding girlfriends. I echo Sahib Singh’s admonition, based on his research, that Sikh youth - in the diaspora or Punjab or India - need not disband tradition for the dubious benefit of bettering their dating success rate.
But alas, I have nothing like a self-help formula to help our young boys develop a healthy, self-assured relationship with themselves and Sikhi.
Parental guidance or role modeling that Sahib Singh alludes to, is perhaps less important than parental communication. Sikh fathers - or mothers - in the diaspora, even if they have had experience dating, are less likely, in my opinion, to speak openly about it with their children. It is part cultural conditioning and part double standards (perhaps the two go hand-in-hand).
The real question is: how can Sikh parents ease their children’s passage from adolescence into adulthood. How can the community come work together to help Sikh youth (especially boys) preserve their self-esteem?
As the parent of an eighteen-year-old daughter, I have adopted an approach that seems to be working well – at least so far! The approach calls for:
Communication: that is, communicate, communicate and communicate.
And by that I mean, communicate, and not pontificate.
Parents tend to get the two mixed up. Start early; don’t wait until the kid is in college. Adjust the tone and tenor of the exchange with age.
Setting Expectations: Over the course of your exchanges with the child, ensure that they understand the boundaries of behavior expected. For instance, I have set a zero-tolerance policy for drugs. But I do not draw the line at Sikh boys. It is quite another matter that she has decided she likes Sikh boys best!
Reserving Judgment: Even if you don’t like your child’s date, don’t rush to judgment. If you have been communicating, this should not be an issue.
Making recommendations: Feel free to suggest a potential date. I have tried, gently and subtly.
The community can also create the right circumstance for Sikh teenagers to mingle. Sikh camps are an obvious place, as are gurdwaras. But unfortunately, most of the people who run these camps or control gurdwaras are to the right of the taliban.
Last, but not least: a good grounding in Sikhi that comes from parents being a good role model. How many of us are truly grounded in Sikhi?
December 27, 2011
Conversation about this article
1: H.S. Vachoa (U.S.A.), December 27, 2011, 3:43 PM.
Dating is the most educating social experience ever. Dating should be all about fun, meeting new people, trying different things out to see how you get along and what you want. I think parents should encourage their kids to have different experiences that would help them grow their perceptual maturity in the world to make wise decisions in life.
2: Aman Singh (Sacramento, California, U.S.A.), December 27, 2011, 5:39 PM.
It would be nice to see the perspective of Sikh women on this issue ... as if embattled young Sardars are the only ones who have issues and struggles when it comes to dating.
3: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), December 27, 2011, 5:43 PM.
Very many years ago, (SNSM) Sikh Naujawan Sabha Malaysia organized an International Sikh Conference and made a mistake of choosing me as the Chairman. They survived and so did I, cheek by jowl. I also chaired a couple of sessions and among them was one on the issue of dating. I remember one particular question from a youth obviously: "When dating, how far should one go?" My spur of the moment answer was: "So long as your are holding hands and walking, you can go as far as you wish."
4: Baldev Singh (Bradford, United Kingdom), December 27, 2011, 8:10 PM.
Marriage, dating and sexuality are completely personal issues and any person, whether he/she is a parent or relative, interfering will pay the 'karmic' price.
5: Manjeet Shergill (Singapore), December 28, 2011, 10:58 PM.
I force my male friends to take me out on dates - so i can get to look and feel pretty and catch up with an old friend. I also go on dates with my female friends. I prefer the company of my male friends because it takes a lot for boys to open up and they have to truly accept you as a dear friend to talk about personal issues. Sikh boys are fun to chat with and so funny. I didn't get to marry a Sikh man - I guess it's my loss - but I keep my friendships with Sikh men because they are special.
6: Rosalia Scalia (Baltimore, Maryland, U.S.A.), December 29, 2011, 9:54 AM.
I so much enjoyed this article! Ravinder makes salient points about having the courage and self-assurance to risk rejection after the ask. So many teens fear failure and rejection - not only in relation to the opposite gender, but in other areas as well, that they fail to try. By not trying, they avoid rejection but they also avoid all other possibilities. They may not get the answer they want, but if they don't try, they'll never know, and won't find themselves - like Ravinder - pleasantly surprised when the answer is affirmative. Bravo also for laying out a parental manual for dating. Communication is always key, whether the issue is dating or driving, or applying for a new job, and everything else. Dating is never easy but it's an opportunity for young people to learn how other people think and navigate their worlds and their own families and to see if and how their values differ. Perhaps among the most important lessons from dating is the realization that not everyone from the same religious, ethnic, or socio-ecnomic group hold the same values or navigate the world in the same way. It proved to be a real lesson for me to learn that not all Italian Catholics saw the world as I did or held the same values as my own family, and that a person considered "other," not from the same background and maybe even a turban-wearing Sikh, may hold views and values more in sync to mine and my family's than those held by someone whose looks, language, customs and traditions are more familiar. And, as an added bonus, we get to learn a little more about what makes the opposite sex tick - valuable info that will surely come handy when married!