Humour
Definitely Not Said In Indian Courts
These are from a book called "Disorder in The American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of having to stay calm while the exchanges were taking place.
Why are we publishing these on sikhchic.com?
Well, we've been asked to find something really nice to say about India and desis, and to help provide some relief from the mid-winter blahs as well. So, we took up the challenge and searched far and wide.
So, here's the following for your "how-much-longer-before-it's-spring" pleasure.
And yes, we've checked them out. They're definitely not from Indian courts!
ATTORNEY: What was the first
thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where
am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name
is Susan!
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: Are
you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How
long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis,
does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in
what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY:
You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: Now
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass
the bar exam?
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: The
youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much
like your IQ.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting
me?
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: So the date
of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: She
had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: How
was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a
guess.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: Can
you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and
had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless
the Circus was in town I'm going with
male.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All
of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: ALL your
responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral ...
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I
finished.
* * * * *
ATTORNEY: Are
you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask
that question?
* * * * *
And
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for
breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
February 27, 2012
Conversation about this article
1: Baldev Singh (United Kingdom), February 27, 2012, 5:42 PM.
Hahahahahaha!... when you get 'dumb' people in charge of 'dumb' people, then naturally you get 'dumb' and unpleasant results anywhere on earth!
2: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 27, 2012, 6:06 PM.
A last minute plea: 'Your Honour, I am innocent, and promise I shall not do it again.'
3: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 27, 2012, 6:43 PM.
In a murder trial, while selecting a juror: 'Do you believe in capital punishment?' The potential juror replied: "Generally, no, but in this case, yes."
4: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 28, 2012, 7:51 AM.
Yet another one: There is the story of the jury which found the defendant not guilty of having stolen a mule, but directed him to return it. The judge rejected the verdict and insisted on a proper one. They returned, "We find the defendant not guilty, and he may keep the mule."
5: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 29, 2012, 3:24 PM.
A famous judge used to express his impatience with arguments which exceeded their persuasion point by saying to the attorney: "I agree with you now, counselor, but if you continue, I may change my mind."