Roundtable
Inter-Faith Marriages
The Roundtable Open Forum XIV - Feb 3 - 9
EDITOR
The Rules of the forum are posted here on the right, and need to be followed strictly by all participants.
The following is this week's (Feb 3 - 9) topic for discussion, which should focus on the questions posed therein:
INTERFAITH MARRIAGES
1 News report: One of Ireland's leading fashion designers, Joanne Hynes, and her beau, Kamaljeet Singh (an MBA grad from the world-famous Michael Smurfit Business School in Dublin), are off to the subcontinent next week to get married in a Sikh wedding at a gurdwara in his hometown.
2 The following are the facts of life: A growing number of Sikhs live across the length and breadth of the diaspora, and find themselves a minority wherever they are. Those still in Punjab and India too are surrounded by a majority community of another faith.
3 Moreover, we have failed to build institutions within our respective communities whereby our young could mingle with each other of the same faith, even date with each other, and then ... when the time was ripe ... find partners within the faith.
4 Therefore, once they leave home ... for school, work, travel, etc. ... many suddenly find themselves meeting others of their age for the first time in a social setting, with no restrictions. In the absence of previous exposure to the opposite sex in a social context, without well thought-out guidance from their parents through their years of growing up, and with the sudden absence of the elders from the scene ... nature takes over. Sometimes, the young fall in love!
5 The result: like the young in all other communities around the globe, our young men and women too are sometimes turning to those outside the Sikh community for their marriage partners. This is a fact of life and it will not go away simply because we would like it to go away.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER
- Those amongst us - or our parents and ancestors - who chose to move abroad, for whatever reason: did they not know that this issue would inevitable surface one day?
- Did they or we do anything to anticipate such a day? Did we prepare ourselves, our young and our communities for this day?
- Now that we are where we are, what do we do?
- What should be our response if one of our children announces at the dinner table that he or she has found a life partner? What if that person is not a Sikh?
- Does the community lose a Sikh, or does it gain one, in an inter-faith marriage?
- Have you been - or do you know someone who has been - in such a situation? How did it resolve itself?
- With the help of hindsight, have any such unions you know turned out to be noteworthy? In what way?
- What can we, as individuals, as parents, as the community, do today and henceforth, to best address this type of a situation?
Conversation about this article
1: I.J. Singh (New York, U.S.A.), February 03, 2010, 8:56 AM.
Perhaps we ought to also look at the fact many religions have very precise guidelines that govern inter-faith unions. Our rules, as they appear in the Rehat Maryada, are rather terse and incomplete; they are also universally ignored and inconsistently applied. In the next couple of days I expect to post a couple of essays focusing on some issues. Particularly in the diaspora, we need to consider drafting some well thought out guidelines that help our gurdwaras and community and are consistent with our teachings.
2: Karamjot Kaur (Chandigarh, Punjab), February 03, 2010, 12:09 PM.
Regardless of whether we approve or not, once our children decide on a partner and he/she is not a Sikh, we should encourage and facilitate such weddings to be held within a gurdwara. I suggest that this should be mandatory. Otherwise, any connection with Sikhi is immediately severed if we leave them with a feeling of rejection on this important stage of their lives.
3: Bicky Singh (Ontario, Canada), February 03, 2010, 1:15 PM.
I think that in any marriage, some give and take must occur for that marriage to flourish - no different if the marriage partners are from different backgrounds/ religions. Being of Punjabi Sikh background, my first love was a Vietnamese woman who was very much in love with me (and I with her) and so open with my appearance (with a turban) that she was willing to give up her current religion (Roman Catholicism) and convert to Sikhi. As that seemed great for me, but I could never have asked her to do that for me. I believe that a husband and wife can live well going back to my first point - about being able to give and take from each other. If my child were to come up to me one day and say that they were planning on getting married to someone of another faith, I would welcome it as long as I know that this is what would make them happy. I would also tell them that they need to hold on to their respective faiths and to also accept the faith of their partner - don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that either convert, but I can't see why two faiths can't coexist, especially if one is Sikh. True, a decision needs to be made for the kids of that marriage, but I can't see why the fundamentals of religion (such as telling the truth, respecting others and their property, compassion for all, etc.) cannot be taught to them rather than forcing an organized religion on them. Kids can then choose whether they want to follow one religion or another. Why can't families in this situation adopt a more balanced approach to organized religion (say go to Church one day and the gurdwara the next)? That way, they experience the best of both worlds.
4: Sandeep Singh Brar (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), February 03, 2010, 1:24 PM.
Like all religions, it all comes down to the question of how seriously you take your religion? If your religion is nothing but a past-time, hobby or a part-time distraction, then one can do whatever one wants. If one takes one's religion seriously, then there are associated rules of conduct and behaviour. It's no different than rules of civil law or ethics, where the individual has freedom of choice as well as responsibilities and consequences for one's actions and omissions. When it comes to marriage, I cannot think of a more serious and solemn ceremony of religious affirmation. The Anand Karaj is not meant to be a scenic tour to sample an exotic culture for a few hours. When we are born, we are not born in a gurdwara. When we die, we do not die in a gurdwara. Between those two bookends of birth and death, marriage and the Khalsa initiation ceremony are the two major milestones in life that a Sikh has a choice in and which are actually conducted in a gurdwara. As such, the wedding is a major religious milestone in one's life and a ceremony of affirming the importance of the Guru in our lives and showing our utmost respect for the Guru. An aspect of marriage that many of us may not think about is that in Sikhism marriage also facilitates the continuity and growth of Guru Nanak's religion. Since we are not a religion that actively goes out there and tries to convert other people to our faith through missionary zeal, fear, intimidation, lures or coercion, children - the outcome of a religious union - are the primary means of adding new branches and leaves to the tree of Guru Nanak and ensuring that Guru Nanak's religion continues to burn bright through future generations. The rules governing Sikh marriage, as found in The Sikh Code of Conduct and Conventions, the Rehat Maryada are clear, concise and unambiguous. Rehat Maryada, Chapter XI, Article XVIII, paragraphs (a),(b) and (k): (a) A Sikh man and woman should enter wedlock without giving thought to the prospective spouse's caste and descent. (b) A Sikh's daughter must be married to a Sikh. (k) Persons professing faiths other than the Sikh faith cannot be joined in wedlock by the Anand Karaj ceremony. I'm not sure what could be confusing or hard to understand about these guidelines or what rewriting them would do to facilitate greater adherence. The failure of individuals to follow them, or Sikh institutions more concerned with revenue rather than religious principles to follow them, reflects on their own shortcomings, not on the wisdom of the Panth or the Guru. The guidelines are inclusive in stating that anyone can marry a Sikh, even if they come from different backgrounds. At the same time, if they take their commitment seriously and want to be married in the Anand Karaj marriage ceremony in the Gurus presence they should both be Sikhs, leaving behind beliefs in any other religion as they prepare to be joined together in the Guru's presence and embark on the Sikh path in life together. It's a wonderful and inclusive definition that only requires a simple affirmation of both partner's commitment to each other as well as to the Sikh way of life. Hopefully, families and all of us can get beyond mental and cultural stumbling blocks that have nothing to do with Sikhism - such as a person's race, caste, ethnicity, skin colour or prior religious beliefs. As long as both individuals are committed to beings Sikhs going forward, that is the only criteria required to be married in the Guru's presence. It's also interesting to look at the marriage requirements of other major religions. In the Catholic Church, both partners do not have to be Catholic in order to be married but both must be baptized Christians. Marriages between a Catholic and an unbaptized person are not sacramental, and fall under the impediment of disparity of worship and are invalid without a dispensation, for which authority lies with the bishop ordinary of the place of marriage. In addition, the Catholic Church recognizes the Pauline privilege, wherein a Catholic may marry an unbaptized previously married person who consents to convert. Turning to Judaism, according to the Torah, Jews should not intermarry because their children will turn to other religions. "You shall not intermarry with them: do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons. For you will turn your children away from Me to worship other gods..." (Deuteronomy 7:1-3). All branches of Orthodox Judaism, both Haredi and non-Haredi, view intermarriage as wrong and refer to intermarriage as a "Second Silent Holocaust." In 1909 the Central Conference of American Rabbis (CCAR) held that intermarriage (interfaith marriage) is "contrary to the traditions of the Jewish religion." The same position was restated in 1947, and amplified in 1973, when a substantial majority at the CCAR Convention in Atlanta declared its opposition to participation by its members "in any ceremony which solemnizes a mixed marriage." Most rabbis justify their refusal to officiate at interfaith weddings by arguing that the Jewish conception of marriage is that of a covenant between two Jews. In Islam, a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim, and a male Muslim also cannot marry a non-Muslim woman unless she is Ahlul Kitab, meaning from a People of the Book. People of the Book is a term used to designate non-Muslim adherents to faiths which have a book of prayer. The two faiths that are mentioned in the Koran as people of the book are Judaism and Christianity. However, Muslim rulers and scholars have included other religions such as Zoroastrianism and Hinduism in this list as well. Incidentally Sikhs are not considered People of the Book as this definition is limited to only those books that predate the Koran, they are seen as divine guidance from God to man that have been corrupted. This definition is not extended to followers of similar texts claiming divine guidance after the revelation of the Koran, as the Koran is seen as the final revelation and therefore younger religious texts such as the Guru Granth Sahib are considered false. As can be seen, the Sikh requirements of marriage are no more restrictive or onerous than those of some other major world religions, and in some regards seem to provide more liberal parameters of inclusion. If an individual or a gurdwara chooses to ignore the religious sanctity of our marriage requirements and still marry someone who practices another religion, that does not mean all is lost. While taking a firm stance and ensuring that our gurdwaras show proper respect for our religious rules of conduct, we still need to be encouraging for anyone or their children from such a union who are interested in perusing the path of Guru Nanak's way of life.
5: Gur (Boston, U.S.A.), February 03, 2010, 2:23 PM.
Just to avoid hypocrisy, we should have similar rules for both men and women. Saying that Sikh men can marry any other religion and Sikh women should marry into Sikhs is denying women the fundamental right of choice. It might be considered a last choice though. Two most important rules to be kept in mind while a Sikh woman is going into interfaith marriage are: 1) Her spouse clearly understands why the word of the Guru Granth Sahib is supreme. 2) The kids must be given Kaur and Singh as their middle name and the father's last name. 3) She gets full respect and freedom of religion from her in-laws. 4) The girl's parents, brothers and relatives must recognize and accept that they have failed to find a suitable Sikh match as per the aspirations of their daughter and should not break social contact with the girl and lose her to a social black hole because of a different religion.
6: Gurpal (Wolverhampton, United Kingdom), February 03, 2010, 3:19 PM.
Sandeep, very interesting write-up; unless I've read you wrong, are you saying that only Sikhs should get married in Anand Karaj? And if that isn't the case, then the non-Sikh partner should convert? What if the 'Sikh' partner is 'sehajdhari', how does the non-Sikh convert? Does he/she take Amrit or can they just declare that they are a 'sehajdhari' too like their partner, but just don't have the benefit of accidental birth into a 'Sikh' family? This is a problematic area as you can see!
7: Satinder (Calgary, Alberta, Canada), February 03, 2010, 5:08 PM.
I think the greater the compatibility of the new couple, the better the chances of a successful marriage. Successful marriage requires several aspects of personalities: good morals; commitment; rational and nonviolent approach to resolving personal differences rather than traditional dominance by the male partner; accommodation of changing roles of women especially in the West where affordable hired help is not the norm; positive role of in-laws, especially if they are living with the couple; compatibility of religion so that the path chosen by the next generation is not an issue for parents and grandparents; compatible education; and, finally, an equitable role of both partners in the finances of the couple. [Editot: And mutual respect and sexual compatability.] So, religion is only a part of the solution. An average growing person is inclined to choose a peaceful and free earthly life before seeking a higher purpose in life, thereby including religion as a factor. I think there is considerable work to be done within the community in changing the traditional mindset regarding the changing role of men and women, and providing and accepting social interaction at the post secondary level. In order to help our kids become comfortable in choosing a person of their own religion from an available western pool, according to my experience, bringing someone from back home (Punjab or India) is not an option for girls for sure, mainly because of the traditional male mindset which rational girls brought up in the west cannot comprehend or accept, although it sometimes works very well for the boy if a girl is from India. Lately, it is not working very well for boys as well, as there is considerable increase in marriage frauds and invoking of section 498A (anti-dowry law) where the sole purpose of marriage is (believe it or not) to extort money from the other party. An abandoned bride scenario is another can of worms altogether and the doing of a small percentage of perverts. As a community, we need to make changes in our traditional mindset of expectations from wife/ daughters-in-law, allow/ encourage social interaction at post-secondary level with proper moral behavior, hold our sons equally accountable for immoral behavior, as we do for our daughters during such interaction, and finally provide an equitable environment where only mutual love and respect binds the marriage.
8: D.J. Singh (U.S.A.), February 03, 2010, 8:23 PM.
Sikh philosophy affirms the existence of One God as pervading the cosmos. The mool mantar clearly states that this God is without hate. "Ik Noor tey sab jag upjeya, kaun bhalley kau mandey". We are taught that all are equal, irrespective of their color, race, caste or region? Then how is one religion better than another? Remember, Nanak's words: Truth is the highest virtue, but higher still is truthful living! Can an individual of any faith lead a truthful life? Can this individual lead his/her life with the discipline of morality and meditation in accordance with His Will. Would you then call this individual a Sikh? Is this individual allowed to marry into your family? Would you accept him/ her? That is the question!
9: Tejwant Singh (Las Vegas, Nevada, U.S.A.), February 03, 2010, 9:47 PM.
I can only talk about this through my own personal experience. Through my travels around the world, I had many opportunities to get married to women from different countries and cultures. But I didn't. Because I thought of the difficulties our children would have, torn between two religions and cultures. So, I waited, and married a Sikh woman.
10: Raj (Canada), February 03, 2010, 10:41 PM.
The major question is: what religion would the kids of mixed marriages follow? And do you think kids of mixed marriages are going to retain the philosophy of "Ik noor te sabh jag upjya"? I beg to differ. I have lived long enough to see the turmoil such marriages create. One of our relative's daughter married a khoja. The first thing she did after her marriage was go to a barber and get a crew cut. You expect such people to keep Sikhi alive? I don't think so.
11: Gurmeet Kaur (Atlanta, Georgia, U.S.A.), February 03, 2010, 10:42 PM.
Does the community gain one or lose one by an interfaith marriage? The answer is the same as the intra-faith marriage. All depends on the conviction and dedication of the people in question. I have seen numerous Sikh marriages (where both parties were Sikhs) where the couple and their next generation had nothing to do with Sikhi. Have also seen several inter-faith marriages where largely due to the character and convictions of the Sikh partner, the non-Sikh partner has supported their Sikh lifestyle and aspirations, continuing on to the next generation with equal conviction. In this day and age, Guru Nanak's faith cannot be confined to the Punjabi-Sikh gene pool. It is possible that an inter-faith marriage might not work, but there are the same chances for the intra-faith marriage not working. After all, it is all in the Hukam. Personally, I would welcome my child's decision to marry a person of any race, religion, or sexual orientation. After doing my job as a Sikh parent, I will rest the case with Guru Nanak himself.
12: Manbir Singh (Delano, California, U.S.A.), February 04, 2010, 12:37 PM.
Inter-Faith Marriages - an excellent topic! Once our youth are taught about the Sikh Rehat Maryada (Sikh Code of Conduct) from the beginning, getting them married according to the Maryada will become easier. Since we do not believe in proselytizing, the best and only way to promote Guru Nanak's Mission is to marry another Sikh person or one who decides to become Sikh - no question about it. The chances Of a Sikh marriage to be successful are then much higher, compared to an inter-faith one and trying to force Sikh values on the non-Sikh spouse. I am using the term "Sikh" as an all-inclusive one and not limited to any particular category.
13: Yadwinder Singh (Pickerington, U.S.A.), February 04, 2010, 1:03 PM.
The problem with an inter-faith marriage is it creates confusion for the kids, as to what religion they should follow. I think if there has to be such a marriage, we should accept the person into the family whole-heartedly. Then, the parents need to decide under which religion they are planning to bring up their kids and they need to stick to that decision firmly.
14: Gurteg Singh (New York, U.S.A.), February 04, 2010, 6:14 PM.
We should also discuss the impact of this issue on the very survival of the Sikhs as a community and a nation. Jews and many other minorities have the same problem of interfaith marriages as Sikhs are experiencing and the fear of getting sucked into the majority. Here is a paragraph from the review of Harvard Law Professor Alan Dershowitz's book "The Vanishing American Jew in Search of Jewish identity": "For Dershowitz, as for many observers of American Jewry, the great conundrum for the coming decades is "continuity." Despite signs of vigor among the more observant, the Jewish community as a whole is simply failing to propagate itself. Jews today are more likely to marry non-Jews than coreligionists, and even those who stay within the fold are opting against large families, giving Jews an abysmally low birth rate. At the same time, many Jews have left behind organized Jewry, maintaining no connection to synagogues, charitable causes, or Israel. Jewish ignorance of Jewish things has become endemic. The dire implications of these demographic and social trends are not lost on Dershowitz: 'The upshot may be that where the Nazis failed in their nightmarish plan to eliminate Jews as potent force in the world, we ourselves may succeed'."
15: P.D. (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), February 05, 2010, 3:41 PM.
I am going to be a bit cheeky. The Punjabi comedian Russell Peters once commented that there is so much mingling of races that one day we are all going to evolve into one race of beige-coloured people. Certainly, you and I will not live to see this 'One Panth'. So mingle freely, if that be God's will!
16: Harpreet (Austin, Texas, U.S.A.), February 05, 2010, 9:06 PM.
A Sikh should marry a Sikh.
17: D.J. Singh (U.S.A.), February 06, 2010, 2:02 PM.
What is the real question in inter-faith marriages? Is it about your kids or about yourselves? The kid obviously wants it! But the parent is not sure if the kid's spouse, in-laws and extended family will respect them irrespective of their different culture and value system. So the real concern is not about losing a member from your religion but losing a part of your family!
18: Aryeh Leib (Israel), February 07, 2010, 4:15 AM.
Gurteg Singh: It's more than ironic that Alan Dershowitz, while defining and decrying the problem, is, himself, no small contributor to it! By living as a cultural Jew only, he ignores the Jewish people's ongoing relationship with God, through His Torah and Commandments, which has preserved and developed his people for more than 3000 years, under every condition of exile imaginable. Indeed, as he points out, there are, "signs of vigor" among the more observant. There's a reason for this!
19: Rabbi (London, United Kingdom), February 07, 2010, 7:06 AM.
As a rabbi, I came across this page by chance, but I think it is very interesting. It would not be appropriate for me to comment about the Sikh community, but I would like to say something about my own Jewish one, since it has been mentioned in a number of other contributions. I should declare at the outset that I am a very liberal minded rabbi and that I have co-officiated at a religious ceremony marking the union of a Sikh-Jewish couple. I have officiated for other mixed faith couples of different denominations. In my experience, most of these couples are still happily married. They have often lived together for a number of years prior to having their commitment to each officially recognized and sanctified. One of the reasons they succeed is that they share many values and have managed to work out how to manage their differences. A lot of attention in these discussions seems to be put on how children should be raised, rather then making the couple's happiness a priority. Although I think it is best for children to find a spiritual home in one tradition, that should imply a negation of the other. In fact I advise couples to teach their children about both religions, so that they understand what is going on when they visit their grandparents and other family members. It teaches children, amongst other things, tolerance and respect for differences. It certainly does not appear to cause confusion in their minds, or a lack of certainty as to where they belong. Insisting that one partner should convert when they have their own deeply held beliefs, is to be strongly discouraged. I think Prof. Dershowowitz exaggerates and does not consider what it is that couples wish to transmit to the next generation. Some religious value may disappear as secular values are judged of greater importance; equality between genders being a good example. Our societies evolve and change and if religious traditions are to be appreciated as something important, they will need to change too. Otherwise they become either irrelevant, or you end up with a kind of paralysis. I think we can learn a lot from each other. The Catholic Church has a special procedure for such cases and although I don't agree with all of it, at least they have recognized the issue and found a positive way of dealing with it. My own tradition has not. The earlier reference to the statement made by the CCAR is applicable only to Reform Rabbis in the U.S.A. Interestingly quite a number of rabbis in the CCAR do officiate at mixed marriages, despite the statement and can do so because there is no sanctions against those who in good conscience feel that this is right. I would also point out that the alleged Torah (Pentateuchal) injunction against mixed marriage (Deut 7.1-5) is limited to 7 tribes who no longer exist. There are rabbinic injunctions against mixed marriages but they are post-biblical. The objection has usually been that mixed marriages would lead to paganism and the worship of false gods, but clearly other monotheistic religions such as Sikhism do not fall into this category.
20: Dr. Birinder Singh Ahluwalia (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), February 07, 2010, 5:44 PM.
For me marriage in all cultures/ faiths is (nothing else but) a joyous union of two beings - living a good and enjoyable life together ("as two in one"). Having beautiful children in this blissful union is an added blessing (nothing more, nothing less). All the comments so far make an interesting read and I am quite intrigued by them.
21: Arvinder Singh Kang (Oxford, MS, U.S.A.), February 08, 2010, 4:11 AM.
A very interesting read, indeed. I would hold off on taking sides as I'm still a bachelor :) That said, I found both Sandeep Singh Brar's and Rabbi's comment very thought provoking. As Sandeep describes, if there is no discipline or rules to abide by but only the following of the heart, it takes just one rogue kid taking extreme advantage of the liberty to make a mess of a well kept house. On the other hand, as Rabbi said, interfaith marriages are a reality and we cannot close our eyes to it. As no marriages are made in heaven, and need to be worked on to make union a bliss, I think an interfaith element just adds a little extra work. Of course - interfaith marriages can work as well as an intra-faith marriage! I consider Sikhism as an open faith. It does not punish you if you want to walk another path, actually it encourages by saying all paths lead to the same Supreme One. If your kids wants to follow their heart, you should listen to them and maybe even support them. Faith is just one ingredient in a happy marriage; personal values, physical, emotional, financial and intellectual compatibility being few others. However what we should watch for, is offering mixed up values without distinct understanding of the two faiths involved, to our future generations under the brand of Sikhi. That will be the repetition of the adulteration of Sikh texts, faith and culture that happened in the early nineteenth and twentieth century, the examples of which are apparent even after a century as we see today a divided Sikh society on something as simple as the issue of a Sikh Calendar.
22: Kirpal Singh (Daytona Beach, Florida, U.S.A.), February 08, 2010, 2:45 PM.
Interfaith marriages are inevitable in free societies for some people and I see nothing wrong with it personally. As far as the children of these marriages are concerned, they need to be aware of both faiths but when it comes to daily practice of a religion, they need to follow one faith only until they are mature enough to understand differences among religions to avoid cognitive confusion. As for forcing religions on others, I believe it is against Gurmat but sharing Sikh teachings to seek new followers is in accordance with our philosophy. For example, Guru Nanak spent nearly 30 years on his missionary tours. Guru Amar Das established the "manji" system to preach Sikhism. Guru Tegh Bahadar travelled towards Assam and Bengal to spread the Sikh message to the masses. On the other hand, we refuse to recognize even people of non-Punjabi origin as true Sikhs even when their devotion to Sikhi is much greater than that of Punjabi Sikhs. I humbly urge all sympathizers of Sikhi to welcome non-Punjabi visitors and Sikhs with open arms into the gurdwaras and other Sikh institutions. My wife and son-in-law are caucasians who frquently visit gurdwaras and complain about the lack of welcome and acceptance by Punjabi families.
23: Jasleen Kaur (U.S.A.), February 08, 2010, 2:52 PM.
i find it interesting that people are not looking to gurbani for the answer. GGS, M3 - "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together./ They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies. ||3||" - How can we achieve spiritual union with someone who doesn't share/ understand our spiritual values? Marriage is occasionally difficult, even between two gursikhs. I can't imagine how difficult it would be between two people who don't share even the most basic principles. Anand Karaj is a union of two Sikhs. The Delhi SGMC does not allow marriage of non-Sikhs in their gurdwaras, and I think this is a great step. I have no issue with interracial or inter-caste marriages. My husband and I are a mixed race couple. but we're both Sikhs. That's what really matters in the end.
24: Gurpal Singh (Wolverhampton, United Kingdom), February 08, 2010, 4:42 PM.
Jasleen Kaur ji: I'm not sure about your comment that Delhi SGMC doesnt allow marriages between Sikhs and non-Sikhs. As far as I am aware they do allow Sikh-Hindu marriages or always have done. Recently Vikram Singh (son of businessman Sant Singh of New york) got married to a hindu bride in a Delhi SGMC gurdwara.
25: Kirpal Singh (Daytona Beach, Florida, U.S.A.), February 08, 2010, 9:31 PM.
Some after-thoughts since my previous message: Interfaith marriages may be becoming even more important now both overseas and in India due to the despicable practice by some of gender selection and female foeticide (which are anti-Gurmat but reality), especially amongst Punjabis and Indians, resulting in a highly imbalanced ratio between males and females. For example Mormons and Muslims practice polygamy to prevent their females marrying outside their communities, plus to improve their census figures to create bigger vote banks. I wonder if we are exposing ourselves to alternatives such as celibacy, polyandry, prostitution, sexual crimes or other forms of sexual deviancy, if we refuse to accept non-Punjabi partners for our youngsters, considering the predicament we have got ourselves into.
26: Brijinder Singh (New York City, U.S.A.), February 09, 2010, 10:40 AM.
I think when entering into an inter-faith marriage, one has to consider what religion the children will follow. Will they have to choose between the faiths of their parents, or will they believe in a hybrid of both? Perhaps they will avoid the confusion and not follow any type of faith. Either way, Sikhi will be lost to them. As a religion that doesn't go and look for converts, Sikhi can only survive if we pass on its teachings to our children, so that they can do the same for their children.
27: Sanmeet Kaur (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), February 09, 2010, 1:51 PM.
I have struggled with this wrap up on many levels. Finally, this one line from the Guru Granth Sahib repeatedly returns to me: 'Soohab taa sohaaganee jaa munn laihi sach naa-o' - "The red-robed woman becomes a happy soul-bride only when she accepts the True Name." [GGS:785] - In her essay on Laavan, Sardarni Inni Kaur's first line reads, "The Sikh faith looks at life from a universal, elevated angle. So therefore marriage should also be looked through those lenses - the journey of the 'being' (jeev). How does the 'being' recognize its own divinity and true inner nature? How does the 'being' journey to attain the Ultimate Union with its Creator?" So a marriage between Sikhs is alive and fully functional on all the four bases of life - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It is beyond 'I do's' and 'Till death do us part.' When you adopt this mindset, when you accept and live with the truth that your partner will walk with you to your Ultimate End, it is difficult to be mean, abusive, cruel or unjust on a daily basis and all the wonderful things that are supposed to make a union like love, respect and honour thrive. Inter-faith marriages have been a part of every religious history. Perhaps what is new and different is the autonomy the youth have in choosing when, whom and how they marry, and if they marry at all. Even then many still have the decision made for them. Regardless, it is wonderful to find the one. And also to know why he/ she is the one! I am aware that people marry and arrange marriages for various reasons. If at any time brutal honesty and courage is required it is now. With a life partner you confirm the basis for what will be the driving forces of your life thereafter. This is a personal decision, make it with truth. Personally, I cannot elaborate beyond Sardarni Inni Kaur's transalation and essay on the Laavan. At the end of the day, 'Binas jahe jhoothi dehi' - "This false form, this beguiling body will perish." Red robes, a band, a bond are not enough for this bride, I want the Groom.
28: Jasleen Kaur (U.S.A.), February 11, 2010, 4:59 PM.
Gurpal Singh ji- you are right, I was confused. I had mixed the DSGMC's suggestion for "simple weddings", with their rule about non-observant Sikhs not getting "Sikh" status in their schools. Thanks for pointing that out!
29: Karen (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), February 19, 2010, 12:52 AM.
My Dad is Sikh, but not amritdhari. He has a beard and wears a turban and is religious. My mom is from Guyana and does not follow any particular religion. Her family has Hindus, Muslims and Catholics. I have to admit it is very hard and confusing as to how to live my life and pleasing myself and my family. I just want to be happy with my life and hope that my parents support me in whatever I choose for myself. I don't want to be unhappy just because my family wants something else for me. I have a brother and sister (I'm the oldest) and I'm the only one open to both sides of the family and open about interfaith marriage because my parents had one so I don't see anything wrong with it. They didn't have Anand Karaj. They just signed the papers. My brother told me I can at least marry a guy that is Hindu but not black. Which doesn't make any sense because the person I want to marry is Guyanese and doesn't really follow any religion but is educated about mine. I plan on living my life honestly and respectfully, with all of the values my parents have instilled in me. I am still going to go the gurdwara and I am going to give my children the names Singh and Kaur as my father did with us. I've had a Sikh tell me I was a disgrace because I am a product of a mixed union. That is not what being a 'Sikh' means to me. People can use religion to feel superior or whatever but it doesn't bother me. I know I'm being true to myself.
30: T. Sher Singh (Guelph, Ontario, Canada), February 19, 2010, 8:44 AM.
Dear Karen: Thank you for your touching and courageous note. You have certainly given us a lot to ponder on. Yes, be true to yourself ... that is the most important message of Sikhi.
31: A..Kaur (United Kingdom), March 01, 2010, 2:36 PM.
As a mother of two, I am going to get to grassroots and say that I wish for my grand-children to be Sikhs. If one of my children marries, for example, a Catholic - will I be happy that the offspring go to the gurdwara one Sunday and church the next? I will most definitely not.
32: P.S. (Atlanta, Georgia, U.S.A.), April 05, 2010, 7:18 PM.
Our primal duty is to love. And by love - it should be unconditional love. It requires a lot of compromises on both ends and families to make inter-religious marriages work. But if they do work - it is a great example of living in harmony - just like you and your neighbour live in absolute harmony. To the people who cite gurbani, please try to meditate on the same words and understand the deeper meaning of the words. The Guru never speaks against love - all speak about "loving" God. If you cannot love your spouse/ parents/ neighbour - how can you love God unconditionally? We must be spiritual first and last.