Roundtable
Help ... It's My Mother-in-Law
ANONYMOUS
My husband and I are both British-born Sikhs and tradition dictates we live with his parents.
The problem is his mother.
My husband told me "to develop thicker skin", but I feel like she thinks I'm not good enough for her son. I have heard that she made very negative comments about my skin colour. She doesn't try to get to know me, and whenever I explain that my feelings are hurt she sits there in silence.
When we were away, she went into our bedroom. Since then, I have locked the bedroom door.
One morning, she and my father-in-law arranged for a locksmith to remove the lock.
I was angry and upset as it really is the only private sanctuary I have in the house.
All this is causing problems between my husband and I. I feel they get away with treating me like this because he lets them.
What to do?
We welcome, as part of this week's Roundtable Open Forum, comments from husbands and wives ... and from mothers-in-law too!
[Courtesy: The Guardian]
July 8, 2011
Conversation about this article
1: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), July 08, 2011, 9:50 AM.
It's the perennial question with the changing roles through the ripening of time - daughter-in-law becomes a mother-in-law, and reaps fruits according to the seeds sown. The wife complaining to the husband: you don't like my relatives! etc., etc. "But I do, I love your mother-in-law very much!"
2: H.S. Vachoa (U.S.A.), July 08, 2011, 10:14 AM.
I believe that you deserve better and your husband needs to understand that. Your husband's parents are oppressive and condescending. A relationship like this is going to end up in misery. So, you need to act in your self-interest if your husband is negligent towards yours. Also, I wonder, did you not know about what you were getting into before you married?
3: Prakash Singh Bagga (India), July 08, 2011, 11:53 AM.
In this case I think the son is required to play a crucial role. The son should try to make his mother understand the reality of the situation, but separately, not in front of his wife. Similarly, he should take care of his wife's concerns and guide her into establishing a healthy rapport with his mother. It will all depend on the skillful handling of the situation by the son. On the other hand, the son may try some positive techniques to make his mother cooperate with his wife. In all circumstances, the problem has to be addressed by the son.
4: G. Singh (U.S.A.), July 08, 2011, 1:25 PM.
It's an age old problem commonly found amongst Indian households. The problem at heart is patriarchal culture which suggests that children are always children and parents never really know when to let go and treat them as adults. One thing I admire and love in Western culture is understanding and respect for children once they have reached adulthood. To let them experience things on their own and make their own decisions. Compare that to Indian (or, shall I say, Asian) culture and parents are always trying to tell their kids what they can or cannot do, unnecessarily interfering in their lives when they are well into their 30s or even 40s. That's ridiculous! Please learn to respect your kids and their spouses as adults and you will have a wonderful life with a close family. It's an excellent idea to have a joint family system but it can only work if everyone treats each other with respect and behaves like a mature adult.
5: Manraj Singh (Ottawa, Canada), July 08, 2011, 2:08 PM.
Sangat Singh ji, please don't generalize. This is a real situation and has to be addressed accordingly. Unfortunately, this type of situation is all too common in India and the sub-continental culture, not just the Sikhs. Households from Pakistan to Bangladesh to Sri Lanka and everywhere in-between have this issue. I agree with Prakash Singh that the husband has to take on an active role, understand the concerns of both his wife and his mother, see the root causes of the issue and act as mediator between the two in good faith. And both parties have to understand that his only intention is to be fair and solve this problem and not take any sides. If not addressed, problems like this - which really spring from so many non- or superficial issues - can have devastating effects on the family's future. I'm not sure if the couple has children or not, but this will even effect them in their social and emotional well-being. I hope none of this gets played out with children around, witnessing the hot verbal tussles. It can really skew the importance of the institution of marriage or traditional family life in their view when they grow up. Having three generations living under one roof is a great family system, but like everything, it has pros and cons and it's the cons that have to be managed. If everyone lives well in a loving environment, it will be immensely rewarding and beneficial to everyone. Ask yourself honestly where the issue is really arising from. Is it the kitchen work, finances, control of family affairs or related to something else? Your husband has to talk to you and your mother when tempers aren't flaring. Everyone (you and the mother-in-law) has to understand that he's engaging in this conversation not to take anyone's side, but to help everyone live in peace. Don't be afraid of taking in another third party into the discussion, someone which both sides trust; such as, your husband's sister, his aunt, etc. Everything in life is about compromises. Everyone in the house has to understand that. It's amazing how far a little silence goes when someone's upset but the other person ignores them and says nothing. Although, hard to do sometimes, it's worth it. I think it will be great to establish boundaries and have people respect them. Will you be genuinely interested in having the parents live with you if all this stops? At the end of the day, it's conversation and dialogue that solve the issues and all parties have to be genuinely interested in a solution.
6: Renukha (U.S.A.), July 08, 2011, 2:38 PM.
I'd tell your husband privately how you feel about the lock removal and the all-around disrespect. If your husband is smart, he will acknowledge how you feel and put you first. Frankly, your husband needs to grow up and defend your need for privacy directly with his parents. I think it's the only way for everyone to harmoniously live together. Despite tradition, if things worsen, I would move to your own home. But keep in mind that though I'm Indian, I'm American born, so the mores I espouse may be very different.
7: Harjit Singh Khalsa (U.S.A), July 08, 2011, 2:52 PM.
It is very clear that the person who is supposed to address the issue is ignorant or simply a coward. That person is your husband! Explain the situation to him and ask him to take action, and give him a deadline. He really needs to grow up and understand the situation and your feelings. I am not saying that he should turn his back to his parents but there is a way to explain the situation to parents and I am sure if he intelligently explains it to them, they'll understand as no parent wants to destroy his/her kid's life. Get him to step in and let him prove his manhood by safeguarding your and his parents rights.
8: Roop (Reigate, United Kingdom), July 09, 2011, 3:41 AM.
The son is the issue. Yes, he is a coward. He needed to set ground rules for both women at the beginning of the marriage. The breaking into the room is a violation that suggests this mother-in-law is like the one in the "Skeena" novel. The solution has to be the son talking to his parents, but if that doesn't work, there may be no choice but to set up a separate household as both women are vying for power over the household here and only one can be a winner ... this is the negative side of extended families.
9: Brijinder Khurana (New Delhi, India), July 09, 2011, 5:45 AM.
Dear, First of all, you should be brave enough to talk to your husband in a firm manner as to whether he wants to continue the relationship like this, or if he'll ever understand your feelings! Don't panic as this is a part of life. Try to handle the situation firmly. Think of what you want to do in life. You want to live with these mental sufferings or want to have a peaceful life. What is important in your life - your husband, your relationship or you/ yourself, your self-esteem? When you will get these answers, then you will be able to handle the situation. It's very bad on the part of your in-laws that they tried to break open the lock. It shows their ill-feelings. Moreover, it is the moral responsibility of your husband to talk to his parents and protect your rights. But in case he is not doing so willingly or not taking any interest, then what is your security with him, the whole of your life? Beta ji, sit at a quite place and find the answers of the questions within yourself and you will be able to handle the things. I don't say that breaking any relation is the solution to your problem but finding a solution of these problems is essential for your growth. God bless!
10: Devinder Singh (India), July 09, 2011, 6:52 AM.
The problem is equally you. The tug-of-war is of two egos, each claiming your husband's loyalty. The son/husband prefers to let nature takes its course. Both acts - the lock removal and the angry reaction are accompanied by negative thoughts, the very thing the outer circumstance manifests to help eliminate. The chief lesson of life remains unlearned. The Sikhi way is to deal with the ego by being internally impervious. No external support can help, nor external disapproval disrupt. That is the basis of self-esteem.
11: Mohan Singh (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), July 09, 2011, 9:46 AM.
Perhaps you need to create positive energy in your home. Try with the flow of sShabad-gurbani, possibly continuous and everyday. Start with Aasa di Vaar ... This will certainly help over a period of time. Guru Amar Das said: "O Nanak, the One Light has two forms; through the Shabad, union is attained." [GGS:30] All you need to do is generate interest in it. A few years ago, I had suggested this to a young couple with two small kids, on the verge of divorce. Today, they are united and live happily, with the grace of Almighty Waheguru.
12: Prakash Singh Bagga (India), July 09, 2011, 11:14 AM.
I am impressed by the possible solution suggested by Mohan Singh ji. There is nothing like this if the family is able to implement this. I am myself convinced the ultimate solution will be provided by Waheguru only.
13: Aman (California, U.S.A.), July 09, 2011, 5:57 PM.
The husband needs to put his big-boy pants on and step up to the plate. I see and hear of this all too often. Weak, cowardly, momma's boys who don't realize that their wives are just as important (if not more important) than their mothers. I love my mother but would not tolerate my wife being talked down to. What impact does it have on our daughters? It's time to speak openly and freely against in-laws that feel that they can treat their daughter-in-laws without respect. It's time to move out!
14: Dr. Birinder Singh Ahluwalia (Toronto, Ontario Canada), July 10, 2011, 6:33 AM.
If "parents", "in-laws" and/or "son", or rather any other relative or friend touts "tradition(s)" as the basis of their actions (living with son, etc.) - THEN isn't it "traditional" to be polite, be respectful of others in every way and fashion (of their privacy, etc.) and to live in a positive and harmonious manner with your family and friends? I want to emphasize: "What is good for the goose is good for the gander" - following traditions (or maryada) is not a one way street, but a two way path.
15: Devinder Singh (India), July 10, 2011, 7:59 AM.
The problem precisely is 'how': (positive and harmonious living). The solution lies entirely within you. If you do not respond to a negative emotion hitting you, and stay entirely calm and unmoved within, you find that you have the power to overcome the negativity, which finding no response in you weakens and dies off. Your inner calm is induced also in the other. It does require vigilance over your inner movement all the time that is nothing but the practice of simran: "Ae sareera merya iss jugg meh aye ke kya tudh karam kamaya ..."
16: Baljit Singh (Canada), July 11, 2011, 9:49 PM.
Very well said, Devinder Singh ji! "If you do not respond to negative emotions hitting you and stay entirely calm, you will find that you have the power to overcome negativity." That is the correct answer.
17: Devinder Singh (India), July 12, 2011, 1:50 AM.
The internal movement is important. If you maintain outward calm but are internally disturbed, it is no use. Practicing inner calm is the basic teaching of gurbani, which says: do not be disturbed by outer happening.
18: Sukhbinder (Surrey, British Columbia, Canada), July 12, 2011, 4:47 AM.
The problem is that the mother-in-law was/is oppressed by her own husband and mother-in-law. She bears these psychological scars. She has ascended to the pinnacle of her power and will wield it ruthlessly by oppressing you. The cycle can only be broken when the daughter-in-laws are no longer oppressed. it is interesting to note how much violence committed by men is promoted and incited by the matriarch.
19: R. Singh (Canada), July 12, 2011, 6:29 AM.
There is obviously a huge communications problem here. The frequencies are misaligned, mirroring the suddenly big widening chasm of a generation gap. For such a living arrangement, which would be the Utopia, in our fast paced, utterly isolating world, it turns into a nightmare when boundaries are not set and expectations and obligations are not defined, alongwith highlighting the benefits of the arrangement. A family conference, with time for each participant to air their views uninterrupted, might help, with setting up these parameters for civilized interaction, and consequences of running roughshod over each other candidly elaborated in detail (from expenses to outside intervention), the jolt needed to kick start a process of learning to live in an interconnected world, out of the old authoritarian era in which the parents seem to be rooted in, and the lack of gift of social savvy/skills in our youngsters. Just floating in uncharted seas might lead to a shipwreck.
20: Manjeet Shergill (Singapore), July 12, 2011, 9:19 AM.
May I suggest you get a job, rent an apartment and invite your husband to stay with you. It's too late in life to teach people to be civil, decent and god-fearing. If he doesn't turn up, he was not ready to get married. Let him stay with his parents. You should live your life with people you love and who can love you back.
21: P.D. (Canada), July 12, 2011, 10:47 AM.
I like all of the comments, particularly by Devinder Singh. As human beings, it is very difficult to find inner calm when faced with physical violence. No doubt that this inner calm will develop over time but it may be too late to save a marriage and a family.
22: Baldev (Bradford, United Kingdom), July 12, 2011, 6:22 PM.
Human birth is the most important you can have ... Our Guru teaches us that the 'endless cycle' of births and deaths can be stopped in this life as a human by living a moral and ethical life as described by Guru Nanak - Gobind Singh. The reason this is proving an impediment for Sikhs is because of hindu practices and morbid superstition which is creeping into our practices, thus breeding hatred, jealousy and violence. Marriage and sexuality are personal things in Sikhism and nothing to do with family, but when have you ever heard this from Punjabis who have started sounding like the dreaded taliban.
23: Manjeet Shergill (Singapore), July 14, 2011, 4:03 AM.
I believe this is not the time or place to be preaching to this woman in distress. Dear lady in distress - don't isolate yourself, get in touch with your own family and friends and ask them to help. Pray to the Almighty Lord for help. Everything will be okay - I promise.
24: A. (United Kingdom), October 12, 2011, 7:31 AM.
[I wish to remain anonymous with my comment, considering the nature of what I have to say.] However, this works both ways - I believe there are many examples of my situation, where the wife's family tries to maintain the dominant and controlling role. This never seems to be discussed as it is always deflected onto the man. In my view, marriage is about fairness - to each other's feelings, ambitions and families. This is where the co-operation and give-and-take come in. If there is a tilt in one direction, there is no longer any fairness, and problems start. In my case, my wife's parents are extremely dominant in what they want and expect, and in their view. They are not able to see that there can be different but equally valid points of view. This has lead to constant and daily interference in our marriage and our lives. Almost from the start of the marriage, they started to impose their views and expectations on my wife. She will not say anything against them and will do anything they ask her. I have tried to accommodate her and her family. She does not go to see my parents, and makes excuses not to go as her parents have said that she does not need to, but has to come and see them. As a result, my children rarely see my parents and spend any time with them. I have asked my wife to be fair to my feelings and my parents - she just refuses, because she "cannot tell her parents that". She and our children will spend every school holiday with her parents and family - this has been going on for many years now. If I question this, they all gang up and say hurtful things about my parents and me personally. I have tried spending a lot of time with them and trying to be a son for them. Any discussion about this ends up in an argument. I could continue with so many things and incidents that have effectively caused our marriage to whither. I do not feel anything but numbness inside and it is only my children that keeps me going. What are you supposed to do in this situation? As I said, the discussions always centre around the boy and his interfering family - but you never see a discussion about the girl and her interfering family.
25: G. Kaur (United Kingdom), December 20, 2011, 2:29 AM.
Talk to your partner. What is he saying? Any progression since? This needs to be resolved, no one should break the lock but why should you even need to put a lock. If things don't change, then request to look for your own place. Living together means everyone has to be respectful. Your mother-in-law won't change, older people rarely change. She is a very insecure lady - too much grief. Did your mother-in-law live with hers?
26: Nia Kaur (New Zealand ), December 21, 2015, 2:28 AM.
I am both a daughter-in-law and a mother. I have yet to have a son. Yes, what relevance would this have in this topic? Well, I guess all women are different because I can't ever imagine treating someone so bitterly. Maybe there should be an understanding between the spouses because I have found sometimes it's just a misunderstanding that creates the problem.