Humour

New Categories in 2020 Census?

by Dr. LLOYD PFAFF PFFEFERSON

It is trite to say that the world is shrinking at an unprecedented pace: with mass-migration of the human species criss-crossing the globe, we are in the midst of the evolution of an entirely new homo sapiens.

Old labels no longer apply.

What race does Tiger Woods belong to? If the entire Middle-East is of semitic origin, how come some of them are labelled anti-semite? The word 'Indian' no longer applies to the Sikhs of the world - if you are ‘Indian' today, you are a descendant of the primitive tribes of America, the Caribbean ... or you're a desi.

And, what species does George 'W' belong to? No one even ventures into that one!

So, no wonder, the categories currently being used in this year's census forms are causing so much distress ... and confusion.

The Institute that I head - a secret U.S. agency located in the Nevada desert in a collection of unidentified silos, for obvious reasons - has studied the matter for several decades (at great expense, I might add), and has come up with new categories for the next Census.

Gone are medieval terms such as 'race' and 'ethnicity', or 'white' and 'coloured', etc. ‘White' people have sadly become extinct - the last ‘pure-laine' white person around unfortunately died in 1971, leaving no known progeny. As for ‘colored' people, they have now evolved into a variety of hues and shades and can no longer be lumped under one label.

The new labels we have come up with will correctly take into account all the latest trends in human evolution. We are cognizant of the need to have categories, SOME categories, ANY categories! So here are the new ones.

All citizens are required to identify themselves as belonging to one of the following designations. [Caveat: Sun-tanning salons or a trip to Cuba (for more reasons than one) are not to be resorted to in order to finagle your way into another designation!]

PIGMENTATION
Chocolate
Gold
Pastel
Pink   

Ample samples will be provided on the census forms to help guide citizens to identify themselves correctly.

We realize that there are different shades of, for example, chocolate - milk chocolate, rich chocolate, pure chocolate, etc.

Or, with respect to the pink people - pale pink, pimply pink, smudgy pink, etc.

But citizens will be required to put themselves into a single, general category.

This listing, however, will not provide the government enough information about the nation's citizens. Hence, a few other tables have been formulated.

INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT
(You will not be required to disclose your personal quotient.)
A chart will be provided along with the form to help you self-designate as follows:

Top 25% of the population
Bottom 25% of the population
Others


EDUCATION
None
1 to 5 years
5 to 10 years
10 to 15 years
15 to 25 years
Continuing Education


TRAVEL HISTORY
Have never left the town
Have never left the State
Have never stepped outside the country's boundaries (Hopping into Tijuana once a week to see your dealer does not count!)
Have been abroad
What do you mean, ‘a broad'?

COMFORT SOURCE
Alcohol
Tobacco
Marijuana
Chemical derivatives
Mangoes
Ras Malai


MARITAL STATUS
Dying to get married
Dying to get divorced
Dead


YOUR BLISS GROUP
Children (biological) of God
The Specially Chosen People - (truly!)
The Very, Very Pure
The Hairy Ones (No, this is not for 'Hairy Krishnas‘)
The Bald Ones (Yes, 'Hairy Krishnas' do fall into this one)  
The Riff-Raff (also known as the 'Others')


The Institute believes the information elicited through these objectively formulated categories will then arm the government sufficiently to gauge what your real needs are and to determine where to go for a valid pool of decision-makers in the future.


March 18, 2010  

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