Humour

Dubya's Latest Headache

 Problems, they say, always come in threes.

Already struggling with containing the debacles in Afghanistan and Iraq, one fine morning George W. Bush is handed a dossier which, alarmingly, raises the spectre of yet another war.

It appears that a prominent Jathedar of the Nihang Singhs in Punjab has just heard about the hate-crimes directed against Sikh-Americans in a confused, post - 9/11 America and, incensed by the news, has declared war on the United States.

Now, George has somehow heard about the Nihangs. He knows that if there is a war with the Nihangs, both Afghanistan and Iraq will look like a picnic. This new conflagration has to be avoided at any cost!

Vice-President Cheney is immediately assigned the task to negotiate a resolution. After all, this is no small matter.

Cheney immediately gets on the hot-line and calls the Nihang Jathedar.

"Singh Sahib," he says  -  he's done his homework this time around, and picked up the lingo  -  "Khalsa ji, surely you don't want to proceed with this war. It just doesn't make sense".

"And why is that?" asks the Nihang.

"Well, to begin with, you do know, don't you, that we have the world's biggest Air-Force, and surely you don't expect to win, do you?" replies Cheney, hesitatingly.

The Nihang gives it some thought. Then says: "Let me consult with my fauj. Call me tomorrow, and I'll have an answer."

Cheney  -  and much of the cabinet  -  spends a sleepless night. First thing next morning, Cheney calls the Nihang.

"Well," says the Nihang, "I've consulted with my people. And we're not worried. We can handle it".

Cheney gulps. "What do you mean?" he manages, as his heart skips a beat, "do you have an air force?"

"Well," replies the Nihang, "I've checked it out. We know of a farmer in Hoshiarpur who owns a crop-duster. And there is a World War II veteran who lives in Bhatinda who can fly it, I'm sure. We can draft them both at a moment's notice and, let me warn you, with the Guru's help, we'll play havoc on America."

Stumped, Cheney decides to try a new line ... "Well, Khalsa ji, surely you have given some thought to the fact that Punjab is land-locked and without a Navy. We, on the hand, have  -  and I do not mean to boast  -  the fiercest fleet of warships ever known to Man. What do you say to that?"

The Nihang thinks about it for a bit. Then blurts, "Let me get back to you on this. Call me tomorrow, same time, same number."

Another sleepless night in Washington D.C. Right on the dot, at 9.00 next morning, Cheney is on the red phone again.

"Well," says the Nihang, "My advisors say they aren't worried a bit. You see, the Punjab Fisheries Dept has more than a dozen boats they use to patrol the Nangal canal. We can conscript them all in a jiffy. And, with the brave Singhs manning them, and with the blessings of the Great Guru, believe me, no problem! Rest assured, we'll be a force to reckon with."

Frustrated and close to tears, Cheney desperately turns to yet another approach. "Singh Sahib ji, but surely you have given thought to the size of our Army. We can instantly divert a hundred thousand troops from Iraq, and another fifty thousand from Afghanistan next door. They can be at your borders in hours. Sir, surely you must realize the enormity of your exposure!"

"Let me speak to my advisers. Call me tomorrow", is all that the Nihang will say.

The lights are on all night in Washington D.C. Cheney has already advised the Prez that it is still touch-and-go. Cheney gets on the hot-line early in the morning. A Singhni answers: "The Jathedar is tied up in meetings; call again in a few hours."

In the afternoon, the same curt message: "He's busy. Call tomorrow."

Next morning, George W. himself places the call. This time, he gets through.

"Well....Sir?" is all that he can manage.

The Nihang gets straight to the point. "We've given it considerable thought, young man, and we've decided .... Well, to put it briefly, we're withdrawing our Declaration of War. We're not going to attack you. That's it. Just don't bother your Sikhs any more. That's all."

The Nihang can hear a lot of "whoopie's" and "hip-hip-hooray's" in the background. Finally, George W. gets back on the line. "Khalsa ji, we're just a bit curious. What was it that made you change your mind? The size of our army? The reputation of the Marines? What?"

"Na a -a -a !" scoffs the Nihang, "don't be silly." He chuckles for a few seconds, and goes on: " For us, it was just one simple factor. Our Punjab is a very small province. We just couldn't figure out where in hell we would hold, and how in hell we would feed, a hundred-and-fifty thousand Prisoners of War!" 

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