Columnists

Shame and Honor

by I.J. SINGH

 

I have a vague memory of an Elder at President Jimmy Carter's church in Georgia in the 1970's.  This man's son apparently got arrested on drug charges. 

The case was yet to have its day in court, but the church Elder was so mortified that he appeared before his congregation, confessed his family's failure to maintain the values of the church, and promptly resigned his position.  He said his self-respect demanded that he not continue in a position of trust at the church.  I found it an enviable example of personal rectitude.

Since then, quite predictably, many times I have wondered why I didn't see such a sense of honor in many of the politicians and officials of the day  -  in this country, in India, in Punjab or in our gurdwaras.

Cases like Enron, Watergate and the Iraq Study Group Report in this society, and the foot-dragging of the Indian government in the need for post-1984 justice, despite ten inquiry commissions, highlight the injustice and distorted sense of honor that are found all over the globe. 

It is not as if our people (Sikhs, Punjabis, Indians) have no sense of dignity, self-respect or honor.  Quite the contrary, in fact.  But there are some cultural idiosyncrasies that deserve exploration.

"Honor killings" of young women occur not only in the Muslim world, but are not unheard of in India, including  -  sadly  -  in the Sikh homeland of Punjab, as well as in the Sikh communities settled in North America and Britain. 

The other side of the coin of honor is "Shame".  So, I could just as logically conclude that these are killings not spurred by a sense of honor, but by extreme shame.

I have heard of gurdwara managers being caught up in criminal matters, and often in cases of immigration fraud.  But I have never ever seen anyone resign out of embarrassment; I have seen many successful attempts to bury the issue.

Humans are probably the only animals that know shame and the only ones that possibly need it. 

A sense of guilt comes from the knowledge of having contravened societal values.  Shame, then, automatically follows.  Shame also becomes a most powerful instrument of enforcing societal discipline.

Old societies where individuals enjoyed limited mobility meant that people could not pick themselves up, move elsewhere and reinvent themselves quite so easily.  Less insular, liberal societies realize that humans err, but they deserve a second chance.  What is needed is a confession, and atonement for the wrong done.

I remember that in the 1970's, Nelson Rockefeller was a national figure and a liberal Republican.  His chances of becoming president were scuttled by his divorce and shoddy marital history.  When Jerry Ford ascended to the Presidency, the press noted that he was married to a divorcee, Betty.  Ronald Reagan was the first, and so far the only President to have been divorced.  Now, I don't think the matter would raise serious concerns.

The sexual history of Warren Harding and Jack Kennedy was kept under wraps; presidential dignity so demanded it at that time.  But by the time of Bill Clinton and now Rudy Giuliani, such matters were already passé.

Recall how people were reluctant to accept DNA evidence indicating that Thomas Jefferson might have sired children by his Black mistress, Sally Hemmings.  And less than a decade ago, we saw the case of Senator Strom Thurmond, a charter member of the segregationists in this country.  He was so ashamed of his having fathered a child with a Black woman that he denied it all his life.

But this society has changed.  Being divorced is no bar to high office; having fathered inter-racial children out of wedlock is hardly a matter of shame.

In matters sexual, Senator Larry Craig is finding out that shame lies, not in the act, but in its denial.

Some may say that this culture is promoting the idea of letting it all hang out, but I would argue that it is promoting openness and responsibility.

Our Indian, Punjabi and Sikh culture, to which most of us belong, I would suggest, is still largely defined as a culture of shame, and its obverse  -  an exaggerated sense of honor. 

Why is it that I have never heard an Indian parent acknowledge that his or her child may be involved in drugs or, in any way, is less than ideal and on the wrong track in life?

When parents insist that their angelic child has been misled by the neighboring kids who are ruffians, I wonder.  Who do you think has misguided the neighbor's children, but the children of their neighbors, and that means your children, perhaps.

Admission of a mistake, we think, is a matter of shame.  As a result, our Indian society has failed to create a support system of counseling and workshops for problems that any well-lived life encounters - personal, psychological, social, sexual, financial, and health issues remain hidden to fester and undermine us from within.

I would conclude from this that Indian society may be very old, but it needs to mature.

Let me close with a recent example that is most telling and, to me, also baffling.  Breast cancer in women is not rare; some say it is commoner in Long island, where my wife and I live, than elsewhere in New York.  A chapter of women, sponsored by physicians, Adelphi University and the daily paper, Newsday, are sponsoring a symposium and public meeting on the issue of breast cancer.  Some survivors will speak.  The idea is to draw the attention of listeners, while giving them information and hope at the same time.

The sponsors knew that in the Asian communities personal matters, such as serious medical issues, divorce, domestic violence, psychosexual problems, in vitro fertilization etc, are never openly discussed, but remain hidden.  Finally, after a painstaking search, they located one Punjabi Sikh woman who is willing to bare her personal journey from cancer to multiple surgeries and finally remission. 

You would think the local gurdwara would jump at the opportunity to lend support.  But think again.  A year ago, when the local gurdwara was approached to publicize a breast cancer awareness workshop, the gurdwara bigwigs denied the request to make an announcement.  Their position was that even an announcement of the program would be repugnant because it would necessarily use the word "breast".   How could this word be used in a congregation, they asked? 

They find such a word distasteful and shameful. I think they need to reread Gurbani - Guru Nanak used the Punjabi word for breast (page 137, line 16), and so did Shaikh Farid (page 194, line 18) in Guru Granth.  Just look at the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament to find Biblical references to the breast.

It is also undeniably true that people in our Indian Punjabi Sikh ambience are most reluctant to publicly acknowledge that somehow they have developed a cancer or some such debilitating disease process.  They seem almost ashamed of it, as if it is contagious or a sign of weakness.  If science tells us anything at all, it is that breast or cervical cancers are no one's fault.  A familial history is critical; periodic examination is a must.  No one is to blame; it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I think the program deserves an announcement in the gurdwara.  Women should be encouraged to attend.  A team from the sponsoring association is willing to come to the gurdwara, and bring manikins to train young women, so that they can perform self-examination.  I think such a team should be welcomed.

I don't mean to selectively focus on women's issues.  My feelings are exactly the same on the myriad of men's issues - from psychosocial to health, such as prostatic cancer.

My take on such unnecessary secrets is that sunshine does wonders for laundry, even if it is dirty.

Honor lies not in never admitting a wrong; that's the way to shame.  Honor follows freedom from guilt, and that comes from atoning for the inevitable slip-ups in life.

 

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