Columnists
The Finger Waggers:
Janam Da Firangee,
Sikhi Main Mangee
FATEHPAL SINGH TARNEY
There is an old adage found in the West that is, in my view, quite consistent with Gurmat. I view Gurmat as a set of values as well as a realistic way of life.
The adage: “Humiliation is a poor teacher."
I would like to provide three real life, anecdotal examples:
1 There was a ‘gora’ guest at our Gurdwara Sahib who was sitting for the langar. A young sevadar was distributing roti and this unfortunate guest, at a langar for the first time, did not know the proper way to receive the roti: that is, with palms up with both hands.
This young sevadar refused to give this person the roti and kept withdrawing it from him. It was almost as though this young Sikh was teasing a pet dog with a treat. This guest was totally clueless and hurt as to what was going on. He kept reaching for the roti and it kept being withdrawn from him as his hands approached it.
To this day, I regret not saying something. This sevadar should have spent a moment to explain to this guest the proper way to accept food rather than debase him thus.
Later, I learned that this young lad doing the langar seva was not even a member of our sadh sangat, but a guest himself. I have never seen him since that day.
I repeat: “Humiliation is a poor teacher ...”
2 A very devout Sardar at our gurdwara, after a langar, had put his shoes on and was about to depart for home. He realized that his elderly mother who had dementia was not in her usual place and he could not find her. He asked another lady to look for her in the restroom, but she was not there.
He became very concerned and inadvertently went back into the langar hall in search of her, but with his shoes on. Someone in a harsh voice called out to him about his shoes being on, but my thinking was, his concern for his mother made this a very minor infraction. It could’ve been handled with a little more poise.
3 A group of visitors came to one of our Sunday diwans; they hailed from the wonderful Baha’i faith. They seemed to enjoy the kirtan and later the langar and members of our committee gave them a brief presentation on our faith and a tour.
When on their way home they went out to their van in our parking lot, they realized that one member of their group was missing. One of their ladies came back looking for him.
She inadvertently entered our diwan hall with her shoes on. She only came in about three steps. A Sardar sitting there went totally ballistic, screaming at her - reducing her to tears.
In my view, this undermined their entire visit and the interfaith purpose of it. There was a kinder, better way of handling this. Again: “Humiliation is a poor teacher ...”
* * * * *
How much of our preoccupation with protocol and etiquette dovetails into haumai – ego? Am I a better Sikh merely because I can correct someone else, or is this merely a display of pride and vanity?
February 12, 2015
Conversation about this article
1: Harsaran Singh (Indonesia), February 12, 2015, 9:24 AM.
The problem is that we are neither willing nor do we have the patience to explain the first timers politely that heads need to be covered in the gurdwara or shoes are to be removed before entering, and other gurdwara etiquette. Often the vocal advisories are embarrassingly curt and very rude. Believe me, if it would be me instead of the guests, I would never come back after such nasty behaviour. We should try to make the first visit for the guests memorable, so that they feel like coming again and again. This is what Sikhi is all about.
2: R.S. Minhas (Millburn, New Jersey, USA), February 12, 2015, 1:18 PM.
An incident happened not too long ago when an old man could not sit cross-legged in the langar hall. With half-crossed legs he used one hand to stabilize himself while asking for a roti with the other. If he used both hands to ask for the roti, he would've toppled over on the person next to him. The sevadar yelled at the older man, scolding him for not being able to ask for, and receive the roti properly. It all happened so instantly that it was impossible to intervene. Ironically, the sevadar became the President of that gurdwara later on - taking photos and buttering visiting VIPS, while making a public fool of himself.
3: Jagjit Kaur (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), February 12, 2015, 5:13 PM.
Protocol and maryada are important, but always need to be tempered by common-sense and basic decency. To apply 'rules' roughshod over people's unique needs and situations is not Sikhi; it merely turns into ritualism and brahmanism.
4: Kaala Singh (Punjab), February 12, 2015, 10:25 PM.
I have seen such things in many places and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have always believed that anyone doing seva in the gurdwaras must some basic training in what I would call "gurdwara etiquette" and some basic communication skills. This is an issue in our gurdwaras which nobody talks about, where the sevadars are hired straight from the villages of Punjab, with poor communication skills and are unable to handle guests in a proper way and they being sevadars (unpaid volunteers) are deemed immune from accountability. This must change.
5: R Singh (Canada), February 13, 2015, 9:42 AM.
I am glad we can finally shed light on one of the underlying unaddressed problems with the enforcers in gurdwaras. It seems the moment some people get they feel this inherent need to watch out for truants so they can chastise them. Maryadas are guidelines, not replacements for common sense. Blaming it on village people will not solve the problem. The very same people behave fine in their own surroundings. The problem is obviously in the attitude towards maryada and what is understood by it. Does it replace or supersede the cornerstones of the religion, i.e. compassion, humility, and positiveness? Misbehaviour against an innocent while hiding behind upholding of a perceived sacrosanct maryada is nothing more than a holier-than-thou power trip. The boorish ill-mannered yelling is totally uncalled for under any rule or set of guidelines.
6: Jaswinder Kaur Mann (Germany), February 13, 2015, 10:42 AM.
We too, as members of the sangat and as onlookers, can help by politely guiding those who are unaware of gurdwara protocol.
7: Baldev Singh (Bradford, United Kingdom), February 13, 2015, 6:25 PM.
It is the great disease of Haumai. At some places, the parshadha (roti ) is lobbed into my hand and recently the deyg was thrown into my cupped hands by a young, overweight sevadar dressed in a blue chola at the Central Gurdwara in Leeds, United Kingdom, and when I politely asked him to serve the deyg in a loving and caring way, he gave me an astonishing blank stare, almost as if tacitly conveying 'how dare you'! Every Sikh should address this issue at every single gurudwara every time you come across such bad behaviour.
8: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 13, 2015, 6:29 PM.
Our daughter Harbir Kaur Grewal lives in Auckland, New Zealand. One day as she was passing by the gurdwara she decided to go in and Mathha tekko. There was no one in, save a so-called gurmukh in deep meditation. Our daughter wanted parshad. She washed her hands and started to take the parshad. The 'gurmukh' turned out to be a 'Baghla Bhagat' (a crane, feigning to look pious) and shouted at her: 'Oye, what are you doing?" in his loudest voice, adding that she had defiled the 'degh'. Fatehpal Singh ji, you can add this real life happening to your collection of self-appointed finger waggers.
9: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 13, 2015, 6:45 PM.
One of our satsangis was in Harmandar Sahib, Amritsar, and wanted a sip of amrit from the 'Dukh Bhenjani' shrine. He cupped his hand and took a sip and wanted another one. A 'Bharchha' (spear) sporting sevadar yelled at him that he had polluted the sarovar. His reply was: "What about the fish in the sarovar who answer their nature's calls in the sarovar?"
10: Daljit Singh (Surrey, British Columbia, Canada), February 13, 2015, 7:33 PM.
Common sense isn't so 'common,' is it? Part of the answer lies in involvement. We all need to step up. In most examples above someone had an opportunity to intervene but nobody did. Lesson for all of us.
11: Simran Kaur Gupta (Calcutta, India), February 13, 2015, 9:16 PM.
I am so glad that this issue is being addressed. A few months ago I went to Bangla Sahib which is my all time favorite gurdwara. The sevadar who was distributing the parshad gave such a minuscule amount. I decided to go for another round. A little boy, maybe a beggar, was in front of me, maybe wanting more parshad too. The sevadar scolded him with "chal hutt" (get lost!). I was so shocked. The poor child walked away. I had no mood to eat the parshad which was given to me the second time. I was totally disillusioned. This is not our Guru's teaching. I wish I had told the sevadar that what he did was totally wrong but I was too shocked to react.
12: Bicky Singh (Ontario, Canada), February 17, 2015, 12:23 PM.
@7 - Baldev Singh ji: I am offended by your use of the word 'overweight' - why did you have to single this person as a result of his weight? Sure, he may have done something to irritate you - but why bring up his weight? Why not focus on his actions instead?
13: Gagandeep Kaur (New Zealand), February 22, 2015, 8:57 AM.
@12. How interesting that in this conversation about rude reprimands, where everyone has focused on the humiliating behaviour of a few self-appointed religious police in our gurudwaras, you picked up on the use of the adjective 'overweight'! While it definitely made me chuckle, I do agree that you are so right when you say we need to focus on actions here, not appearances. Daljit Singh ji - @10 - had commented earlier that part of the answer lies in all of us stepping up and intervening when we can. Well, Bicky ji, you have definitely stepped up here. However, with all due respect to Baldev Singh ji, its pretty evident that when he wrote about the young, overweight, dressed in blue sevadaar, he wasn't stereotyping at all. He only put into words the strong, visual image he carried about that sevadaar. So, in an article discussing offensive finger-wagging by others, we have managed to 'finger-wag' (albeit gently) ourselves! ... Or have we? Or is it just someone being overly sensitive ... or rightly so? Holy Cow! (Oops, am I allowed to even say it?) Isn't all of this confusing? I'm sure most of us will be able to see the ironic humour in this little episode, but do we see the moral here? Although it's important that we are not blind to the fault of others, and step up when needed, we need to be mindful of our own actions too. So that we can weed out the subtle 'avguns' from within ourselves that stop us from realizing our higher self. And isn't this an important aspect of our beloved Sikhi? So, thank you, both Baldev Singh ji and Bicki Singh ji (and, of course, Janam da Firangee Fatehpal Singh ji), for teaching us a subtle lesson in a not-so-subtle world. Kudos!!