Images above and first from the bottom - details from photo by Gurumustuk Singh. Nishaan Sahib, from painting by Kanwar Singh [ArtOfPunjab.com]
Roundtable
I Am No Ann Landers:
Or, How To Cope With Inter-Faith Marriage
by T. SHER SINGH
THE ROUNDTABLE OPEN FORUM # 81
I received an urgent cry for help the other day.
The note said:
“Please advise and help … relating to young Sikh kids marrying kids from other cultures, religions and races, and how it is affecting their parents. I am also affected by it and I don’t know a way out.”
I have reproduced the words verbatim from the note.
I’m no Ann Landers.
I have looked around and I can’t find anyone who fits the bill.
My heart aches for this parent and I want to help.
I am a parent as well, and these issues are never far, never have been, ever since I became a father. It’s one of the many issues one carries around all the time, almost as if in a knapsack strapped to your back, if you are an immigrant, a member of a minority … actually, no matter who you are today.
It seems to touch everyone everywhere, to some degree or the other. If not yet, then trust me, it’s lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce on you.
In the absence of something better - and until something better comes along, which will, for sure - here are my thoughts. Offered here not as answers or solutions, but something to chew on … a starting point of sorts, for a conversation, a dialogue.
I don’t want to dwell on the basic facts which I'd rather, at the very outset, put aside as ‘givens’. They are:
We are living in a world where all of the old mores have been either knocked down or are up for grabs. The old norms are gone, no new ones have been formulated yet to replace them.
We now live, more than ever before in human history, in a multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi-religious society, where even boundaries that were once etched in stone are being chipped away: e.g., national, gender, lingual, etc.
We also live in a society which increasingly treasures its freedoms and the rights it accords to all … at least in law. So, while we relish and cherish these same rights and freedoms, we also wince and bristle when we are reminded, from time to time, that those around us are equal beneficiaries of the same freedoms. Thus, as many of us have moved to other countries seeking freer societies, we now find ourselves surrounded by laws and mores which do away with the traditional powers of control that parents had over their adult children. All adults, parents as well as their progeny, are free to choose … and have the right to do what they deem best for themselves.
As a result of all of the above, we live in the most interesting of times ... to borrow a euphemism.
Particularly because we’ve found it easier to embrace our own new-found freedoms than we have in accepting the freedoms of others, especially when they collide with ours.
I have always found it easy to understand this dynamic by reminding myself of the man who was walking down a street, merrily enjoying the scenery, as he whistled a tune and swung his umbrella around to keep the beat.
It didn’t take long before he narrowly missed hitting a passer-by with his umbrella. The irate pedestrian chided him for his carelessness and demanded that he keep his umbrella in check.
“But, sir,” replied the man, “this is a free country, and I can do what I please! It’s for you to be on the look out, and steer out of my way.”
“That may be true,” fumed the victim as he grabbed the man by his collar and shook him, “but remember, your freedom ENDS where my nose BEGINS!”
That’s the law.
Now for the added dimensions: our duties and obligations as parents, our dreams and aspirations as Sikhs.
This brings me to a few more reality checks.
We as a community, some of us as parents as well, have neglected our duties in a number of ways.
Firstly, we have not taken any timely steps to impart our Sikhi values to our younger generations. These steps need to be taken from before the children are born, not AFTER they have become adults.
Secondly, we have built no institutions, created no mechanisms, nurtured no traditions or customs, whereby our young can meet others of the opposite sex in a healthy, social environment, with the goal of preparing them for the day they will need a life partner.
Thirdly, in bringing up our children, we have forgotten the heady days of our own youth, and now willingly slide into lives of total denial over the hormonal changes that our own teenagers begin to experience. All we do is dictatorially suppress them, or more accurately, insist that our children pretend as if they do not exist.
Last but not least, we then express shock and indignation when our children who, having grown up and fled from our oppressive embraces to university or workplace, suddenly encounter a ‘normal’ world which is populated mostly by those who are not Sikh … and, with nature doing what it does best, sometimes fall in love.
Given the odds, the person they have fallen in love with may not necessarily be a Sikh.
Why does this happen?
Because we as parents have spent all our time and energy throughout their growing-up years in keeping them away from Sikhs of the opposite sex! Just think about it.
There are a few other complicating factors, but I think the sampling I have given up till now adequately lays out our challenges.
I do not present these as an exercise in self-flagellation over past failures, but in order to face them headlong and accept them as givens, in order to figure out where we go from here.
TO PARENTS
If your son/daughter has come to you to announce that he (I’m going to stick to one pronoun, for convenience) has fallen in love with a person outside the community:
There’s no point blaming him for it … it isn’t his fault. It is nobody’s fault. It’s a fact staring you in the face. Deal with it.
The first important thing is to help him determine whether it is indeed love, and not infatuation. You may be handicapped in that neither you nor your spouse has any experience in this sort of thing - your marriage was arranged, and you have lived in a ‘traditional’ marriage, albeit a good one.
Seek help, if you don’t know what to do. From young men and women - Sikhs! - who have already lived through this. Not old-timers. Don’t swallow what others say, hook, line and sinker. Talk to as many as possible, but use your own common sense.
Don’t lecture him. Don’t threaten him. Don’t bribe him.
Work with him. Share in his joy, genuinely. If he’s happy, what more could you want?
Now your task is to help him in his chances of having a long, happy marriage.
Remember, if you haven’t done this yet with him - in the last 20 years - it is too late to be telling him now about Sikh values and traditions, or your desire to have a Sikh daughter-in-law.
What you want to do is help him act maturely. To make sure he is sure. To make sure she is right for him, and he for her. That there are no impediments - let’s take some wild examples: drug or alcohol abuse, criminal record, insanity, etc. Is there economic or educational parity? Intellectual? Social? Spiritual? Sexual?
And you need to find out from him how important Sikhi is to him? Does she know it and how does she feel about it?
THE SON/DAUGHTER
How important is Sikhi in your life? Is it important for you to see it remain central to your life?
Is it important for you to pay heed to your parents’ wishes as to what kind of household you will create for yourselves, or do you simply want to do your own thing?
If the answer is clearly that Sikhi is not important and he needs a complete breakaway from family traditions, the rest is easy. The parents might as well sit back and try and enjoy, to the extent they can, what he wants to do with his life.
However, if he wants to work with his parents hereon, despite the fact that he has chosen his own life-partner, here are a few things he needs to consider.
Marriage, any marriage, is a challenge. In today’s world, any marriage - no matter who marries who - will have the odds stacked up against it. That’s a fact of life, not dependent on any variables.
Throw in a few more wrenches into the mix, and the risk factor increases … or, shoots up. Inter-cultural, inter-faith, inter-racial … these factors are all complicating factors. They increase risk, not reduce it.
So, if Sikhi is important, then it must be made clear to the other that he wants to continue with Sikhi as his faith, even though she may want to continue with her own. Ideally, if the spouse subscribes to his beliefs, it will be easier.
CEREMONY
If Sikhi is important, then you want an Anand Karaj. It is the only religious ceremony which welcomes participation by other faiths, and doesn’t look askance on “others”. It will warmly welcome both families unconditionally, and give each ownership of the ceremony.
CHILDREN
If Sikhi is important, you may want to make it clear that you want to raise your children as Sikh.
It is meaningless to say, “We’ll see later”, or “We’ll give them exposure to both.” Because, if Sikhi is important to you, then you need to agree that they’ll be brought up as Sikhs.
If you can’t agree on this, postpone all your plans until you have sorted this one out. This issue is not only a marriage-breaker, it is a recipe for hell on earth. For all.
IN-LAWS
Have you met her parents, her brothers and sisters? Her friends? And she yours?
How do they get along?
Is each side accepting of the “other”, without feeling superior or condescending, or does it feel a deep sense of failure on the part of their child, or their own?
You need to figure this one out well in advance, otherwise, again, it’s a marriage breaker, and/or a recipe for hell.
PARENTS & SON/DAUGHTER
Remember, love can indeed last forever, but the willingness to accommodate each other’s whims has a very short life-span. No more than two years.
So, everything you assess should be free from the glow of “love” and should have legs firmly on the ground.
The best you can do, under the circumstances, is talk a lot amongst yourselves, without anger, without guilt, without blame, without regret … simply to look at everything in reality, making sure the two key parties understand exactly what they are getting into, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and the minefields that surround them in every direction.
[Reminder: All of my comments apply equally to sons and daughters.]
FINALLY
No matter what, it ain’t going to be easy.
You’re never going to be able to, no matter what each of you do, guarantee a successful marriage. Even if the parents are the King and Queen of England, the son a Prince, the girl a princess, and the whole world is there to cheer on!
So, work at it as if it is once-in-a-lifetime event … and bring every ounce of joy out of it to the fore, for all to share.
[You’re right, I am no Ann Landers.]
THE ROUNDTABLE OPEN FORUM
Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
But a caveat: please do not bother to lecture on how upset you are over a Sikh marrying a non-Sikh, and how terrible the idea is, or how much against the maryada it is. Sadly, because of our collective and individual actions and omissions to date, it’s too late in the picture for some in the community to be pontificating or complaining.
The question is: where does one go from here?
The rest of you, those of you who don‘t have to worry about all of this for a while: please give all of this some serious thought.
If Sikhi is truly important to you, I suggest you start worrying about it NOW!
November 30, 2011
Conversation about this article
1: H.S. Vachoa (U.S.A.), November 30, 2011, 12:17 PM.
I am so glad to read this. The problem with our Sikh parents from Punjabi background is that they have serious issues about having healthy inter-gender relationships in general and the reason for that is because they never had any such relationship of their own to begin with. For them, having any friendship before marriage is a sin and cheating. This is so twisted. All relationships, including marriage, were manufactured for them. Therefore having a relationship is not something of value but an activity which helps fulfill their desires and demands. In my opinion, nothing can be done until the community is willing to educate itself about the value of relationships by addressing the psychological issues in our culture. Therefore, the problem is not inter-faith marriage; the problem lies in education.
2: Sarabjit Singh (Michigan, U.S.A.), November 30, 2011, 7:49 PM.
I have seen many inter faith marriages in our community. There seems to be a common pattern in these families. Please ask yourself these questions if you are a parent: 1) Are you so super strict that you will not trust your child even though you have given them proper values? 2) Is your house very "liberal", i.e., alcohol and bollywood culture is pretty common? 3) Do you show love to your children and they know it? 4) Can your children come and talk to you about their problems? 5) Do you regularly discuss with them the importance of Sikhi in their lives and how blessed they are to have been born into Sikhi? 6) Have you encouraged your children to have a proper sangat besides school friends? 7) Have you encouraged your children to learn to read Punjabi, do kirtan and do seva? 8) Have you encouraged your children to go to Sikh camps on a regular basis? 9) Do you try to live a Sikh way of life and not just talk about it? 10) How do you treat your spouse? If your answers to these question are mostly positive, there is a great chance they will marry Sikhs. If not, please don't complain later. You only have the first 15 years of their life to make a difference and after that, in general, it is too late. The choice is in your hands now.
3: J. Kaur (New Jersey, U.S.A.), December 01, 2011, 10:33 AM.
I know many parents who have done all of the above and yet their kids fell in love with someone from another faith, and now claim they are raising their kids with Sikh values. This claim is easier said than done, considering that marriage is not a bed of roses. The author has mentioned that this decision has to be pre-determined, otherwise it is a recipe for hell. I want to know first hand from the parents who have been through this and have been successful in raising their kids in the Sikh way of life or gave up. Don't forget that first generation parents left their own motherland and loving family behind to find a better opportunity for their kids. Now, when the kids are settled in their professions and it can be a time to enjoy the fruit of their labor, parents are going through the fear that their grandkids may even lose their Sikh identity and values. We as a community seriously need to consider the price we can pay in the name of love. Our Guru sacrificed his own father, mother and his own kids to protect the beliefs of his Sikhs. This country is a melting pot but how far can we sacrifice our faith to accommodate our kids and where do we draw the line? I have so many unanswered questions myself.
4: Gurmeet Kaur (Atlanta, Georgia, U.S.A.), December 01, 2011, 10:38 AM.
Pardon me for being simplistic here, but eventually everything boils down to two outcomes. 1) You as parents would have done your job the best you could in raising your children and they have seen what Sikhi means to you and hopefully it would mean as strongly to them. In that case there is no need to worry. Whether they choose to get married to a Sikh or not, sooner or later they will figure out a way to carry the light of Sikhi to their next generation. 2) Maybe you did your job, but the Divine had some other plans and Sikhi does not mean as much to your children. In that case too, no matter what pressure, tactics or strategies you adopt, your children will decide what will work best for their next generations. Again, no need to fret. Any paranoia, hypocrisy and un-supporting behavior is going to work against you. Children are smart. They see the way you live your life. If it is worth for them to follow it, they will. Rest is His grace.
5: Gurbir Singh (New York, U.S.A.), December 01, 2011, 10:40 AM.
The real question about inter-faith marriage is - are we really losing a Sikh in such a situation? The answer can be 'No'. Maybe we are gaining one. Everybody agrees that if we start inculcating our kids with knowledge and appreciation for Sikhi at a young age, the chances of them going for an interfaith marriage are less. Agreeing to that, allow me to add that if we do the job well enough, may be the love for Sikhi will actually bring one more person into our fold. Not in many cases, but I honestly have seen that happen. Nevertheless, the reasons for going for an interfaith marriage have to be right - love, respect, understanding, mutual appreciation. An interfaith marriage that has taken inspiration from 'Jab We Met' will certainly do no good. That's my two cents. P.S. I am not encouraging interfaith marriage and have full respect for the Rehat Maryada. I'm trying to bring forward a pragmatic viewpoint without closing my eyes to ground realities and issues within the community.
6: M.K.S. (New York City, U.S.A.), December 02, 2011, 5:22 PM.
Having come to the U.S. at age 16 from India and now as a father of 2 teens, I feel I have a fairly good idea about both cultures. If you strip away the cultural trappings of both countries, there is no difference in Sikhi, be it in India, U.S. or any part of the world. Since Sikhi is more important to me than the secular culture, my advice to my kids is: "I don't care if you marry a kaala, peela, harra, neela, gora (black, yellow, green, blue, white) - if you need my blessings, the person will have be a Sikh. If they are not a Sikh, then make them one .... Simple... End of Story... Kahaanee khatam." If however they still want to marry a non-Sikh, I will still support their decision, wish them all successes in their marriage but they will not have my blessings.
7: Gurteg Singh (New York, U.S.A.), December 02, 2011, 8:22 PM.
Well, I do not want to sound sexist or against our Sikh sisters, but the majority of interfaith marriages in our community in India as well as abroad - almost 90%, involve Sikh women. This should be a cause for HUGE concern for Sikhs because many women live and work where we are thinly populated as a minority and are very vulnerable and easily swayed by emotions. Except for some rare examples, in most cases, we are loosing them. What Moghul and, later, on Hindu policies of genocide to eliminate Sikhs could not achieve, we are willingly doing it to ourselves through interfaith marriages.
8: S.S.N. (Belmont, MA, U.S.A.), December 02, 2011, 11:39 PM.
Disclaimer: My experiences. My 2 cents after reading the comments here (some I agree with and for others I have reserved disagreement). 1) As a young Sikh man in his 20s who is in a relationship with a non-Sikh who is also not south-asian, I ask the relevant questions everyday. 2) She didn't know about Sikhs. Not surprisingly, since we do a wonderful job (on a personal level, Sikh organizations are doing wonderful work raising awareness) of not telling. She wants to know. I tell her how I am different from other Indians. I recognize myself as a Sikh and a Punjabi, not as an Indian. I tell her a lot about Sikhi, how I go to the gurdwara. That Guru Nanak's Gurpurab holds more resonance with me than Divali. How Sikhs are different from Indians. 3) I have spent most of my life in India. Either I wasn't considered good looking or a good catch back in India, but I have never dated or was considered date-able by Sikh women. Most were too shy or already had non-Sikh beliefs. I never felt I could ever date a Sikh girl in India. I wear a turban, uncut beard and didn't have a nice big car. 4) I often spoke to a couple of elders here about more opposite sex interaction. I felt they were not listening. And I saw no attempt at it. With numbers not on our side, I expressed the opinion that inter-religious alliances will become the norm within Sikhdom. 6) Parallels with erosion of Jewish identity here in the U.S. and the world. The difference: our appearance and the fact that we don't have our Promised Land. 7) Sorry to say this: Sikh males, most, do not care about their appearance. We are blessed with strong, masculine frames. We should build on this advantage. Finally, having read this article and thought on it; I am concerned how my mother will take it back in India. She is a liberal, successful woman who is proud of her Sikh family. She should trust us in making the right decision and leaving the rest to Nanak. Sikhi is safe as long as it's part of our lives and we endeavor to pass on our values, be open about it to our kids.
9: Dr. Birinder Singh Ahluwalia (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), December 05, 2011, 3:29 AM.
Well! Well! Well! I have read the spirited discussion on a topic that is at the core of the current generation's grappling with our issues and values both in Punjab and in the diaspora. In my humble opinion, marriage is a union of two individuals coming together to lead a healthy and happy life (and nothing else). When offspring are born from this wonderful union, turning them into responsible citizens of the world accomplishes every goal in the parents' lives, as such beautiful kids will know their responsibilities to 1) the religion they practice, 2) to the world they live in, 3) and to the humanity they need to serve. Maybe I am too simplistic, but I feel the more simple life is - the better is the outcome.
10: Kirpal Singh (Daytona Beach, Florida, U.S.A.), December 05, 2011, 10:59 AM.
As soon as we start reckoning with the reality of the "current state of Sikh society", based on visits to the gurdwara, Sikh religious and political leadership including elections, gender issues, foeticide due to dowry, Sikh communities scattered worldwide and in India including Punjab, I believe whoever believes partially or fully in Guru Granth Sahib's message is a Sikh. Based on that, interfaith marriages are already happening in many families, including that of my own and will continue to happen whether we like it or not. It is time now that we accept them and try to absorb new entrants among us gracefully with Guru Nanak's compassion for all humanity - "sarbat da bhalla" - by educating them about Sikhism.
11: Harjot (California, U.S.A.), December 05, 2011, 12:45 PM.
I am a Sikh woman married to a Hindu. My parents were dead set against our marriage, but nothing they said or did stopped me from marrying who I wanted to. Looking back, the most important thing I did, at the time, was convey to my then fiance how important Sikhi was for me and how important it was for me that our children be raised as Sikhs. We have one daughter who is being raised a Sikh. My parents are happy now. They are thrilled when my daughter recites paatth for them! Having said that, things may not always work out so easily. This may be hypocritical of me, but I desire for my daughter to marry a Sikh. I work hard to make friends with other Sikh couples with kids her age, teach her about Sikhi and take her to gurdwara regularly. I hope it pays off and she marries a Sikh. If not, at the very least I would hope that she makes sure that her future husband agrees to have the kids raised as Sikhs. If even that does not happen ... Well, I would still love her no matter what, and would NEVER cut her off. My sincere hope is that in future generations, Sikhi flourishes and our numbers increase.
12: Navjot Kaur (Chicago, Illinois, United States), December 07, 2011, 7:10 PM.
I read the comments and all are very personalized to the level that we only talk about our expectations as parents but what about this generation which is being exposed to a lot culturally and socially. Any climate you talk about - all they are facing are challenges. We learned most from our experiences and many a time we failed as humans too. So, let's be brave in accepting our weaknesses instead of expecting more without investing into the future of our children. Many a time children see their parents displaying Sikhi on a gurdwara and social platform but never see them practicing the same in reality. The question is Are we really Sikhs! Are we at least following the basics of our faith - good deeds, helping anyone in need, being honest not only to others but to oneself. Let's be in our children's lives as confidants, as true inspiring friends and understanding parents who not only taught them about the values that we cherish but more importantly what our forefathers displayed, such as Guru Nanak who inspired others by walking the walk.
13: Manjeet Shergill (Singapore), December 09, 2011, 8:04 PM.
It's surely not an ideal situation when we have to cope with interfaith marriage or any kind of marriage. Sikhi is not about coping - it's about truthful living. I am happy not to cope with a Catholic English Chinese man. I am happy to live and let live. People who think they can cope or give blessings, are still working with ego - not love. Children of mixed races are beautiful and healthy and I am blessed to have one. I dated one Sikh boy - liked him a lot - but didn't want to get married to him. he is happily married to someone else and has a beautiful family. Young Sikhs go to Sikh camps hoping to have fun and meet someone nice and many have got married from such meetings. Such junior and senior sammelan camps still happen in Singapore and Malaysia. Finally - who is Ann Landers?