Current Events
Conduct Unbecoming:
Domestic Violence
MALLIKA KAUR
Do those concerned about domestic violence, especially by public figures, ever let up?
May we never root for 49ers’ Ray McDonald again without being reminded of the serious allegations of his violence on his fiancée? And may we not celebrate tech entrepreneur Gurbaksh Chahal’s announcement this week of acquisitions and growth of his new company Gravity4 without thinking about his firing from his previous company RadiumOne after a guilty plea to violence against his girlfriend?
As a woman of color working in the anti-domestic violence community, a community often described as one of “white women,” I cannot help remain acutely aware of how high-profile cases of violence by men of color quite often reinforce stereotypes about a whole people of color.
Indeed in reaction to his April firing, Chahal had quickly pointed out that the social media flourish was related to his ethnicity and his origin. Now with his own flourish, the serial tech entrepreneur is promoting his new company and people of his ethnicity and others are supporting his success, his return.
Why cringe as friends on Facebook begin to like Chahal’s self-congratulatory blog posts and ads?
As October, traditionally domestic violence awareness month, has rolled in rife with the questions about the NFL’s dismal record on violence, one is perhaps too keen for an actual story of change.
Unfortunately, Chahal has yet to become that story.
He did apologize: “to my family, my friends, employees, my customers and my investors all who have suffered from this bad publicity related to my personal matter.”
He never mentioned an apology to his girlfriend.
He did recognize violence is inexcusable:
“I know that intimate partner violence is never excusable under any circumstances.”
But he maintained he has not committed such inexcusable violence. “But there is a difference between temper and domestic violence.”
With each step forward, Chahal took several backwards, in his statement following his dismissal from RadiumOne.
Chahal, who per initial reports hit his girlfriend over 117 times, pleaded to two misdemeanor chargers instead of the original 45 felony charges.
This hardly makes him worthy of flogging for life, much less the death threats he says he has received.
But Chahal is also not worthy of celebration for his return in tech headlines rather than the crime beat. This “Diehard entrepreneur” didn’t try hard at all at acknowledging his behavior needed attention and amendment.
Apologies and forgiveness are always fraught in violent relationships precisely because scaring or forcing a partner into accepting an apology is a known tactic of abuse. Justification and self-pity cloaked as an apology are also not unknown to survivors of violence.
Chahal’s insistence on the harm to his reputation, company, peace of mind, profit and everything else about him, and simultaneous dismissal of the survivor as loose, unfaithful, untruthful and more, were textbook. One isn’t requesting more creativity of Mr. Chahal of course, rather pointing out that his typical behavior falls squarely within the definition of domestic violence, for which he has said he has zero tolerance.
Even if Chahal struck his girlfriend one of the alleged 117 times, reportedly caught on a private camera that became the bone of evidentiary contention, he could spend one of his many eloquent social media posts on an unconditional apology for the pain and fear caused to a woman with whom he once shared an intimate relation.
Not much of a statement is needed by this otherwise verbose and visible celebrity: A simple admission that his girlfriend calling 911 should have been a signal to halt what he has categorized as a “normal fight” rather than a trigger for admitted physical violence.
What’s holding him back?
We are not, by far, a post-race society, Silicon Valley or not. But we also live in a society that witnesses every day tireless efforts by domestic violence advocates supporting diverse women, of color or not, immigrant or not, English speaking or not, documented or not, techies or not.
An attempt to reclaim reputation with new investments, acquisitions and self-congratulations remains an affront to the women who are surviving violence as much to the men who have put in the effort to become non-violent. An apology may or may not bring closure to his ex-girlfriend -- it remains her decision on how she finds closure -- but an apology would help Chahal truly try his hand at something courageous.
Until then, the outrage stands. Especially as a person of color.
Mallika Kaur is a lawyer and writer who focuses on gender and minority issues in the United States and South Asia. She has worked with domestic violence survivors for over a decade. She holds a Juris Doctor from the University of California at Berkeley School of Law and a Master’s in Public Policy from Harvard Kennedy School.
[Courtesy: The Daily Journal]
October 12, 2014
Conversation about this article
1: Sarvjit Singh (Massachusetts, USA), October 13, 2014, 10:39 AM.
Mallika Kaur ji, You have dived deep into the ocean of truth. Most of us dwell in a world of self preservation at all costs. People want to take advantage of anything that is available to highlight their issues or exploit victimhood. Whichever way it goes! Some of us are far removed from a reality-check of women's rights and equality. Guru Gobind Singh ji preached Nishkam Seva -- seva without any expectation of material benefit, glory, etc. We even advertise our own scriptures to suit our own logic and conveniently forget the rest. Women can only find equality if they find economic freedom.
2: Baldev Singh (Bradford, United Kingdom), October 13, 2014, 6:40 PM.
Didn't want to really read this article but now that I have, it must be said that there should be no violence of any type in a Sikh household. Can you imagine a Sikh, a Saint-Warrior, ever hitting a female or even smacking a child! This soft, gentle, kind, caring psyche comes directly from the tongue of Guru Nanak.