Above: Sathya Sai Baba. Below: Radhe Ma, the Sikhni who recently turned into a scam artist!
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So You Want To Be A Godman in India?
The Complete Guide To Become A Successful Scam Artist
SHOVON CHOWDHURY
So you want to be a godman in India?
Or godwoman!
Who can blame you? It’s an excellent career choice, combining unlimited revenue potential with unconditional love.
Here are a few useful tips to get you started.
GET A GOOD SHAMPOO
Lustrous hair is crucial. A flowing beard is more or less mandatory. Invest in a good shampoo. Observe some godmen on YouTube. Their hair care is second-to-none. As usual, women will have to work twice as hard and manage with just the hair on their heads. Make sure it flows down your back.
MAKE BOLD FASHION CHOICES
If hair alone were good enough, chimpanzees would be our spiritual guides. Clothing cannot be neglected. Crimson, magenta and gold are good colours. Accessorise with care. If you’re wearing diamonds, don’t be mingy. Flower tiaras are another popular favourite. Adopt a visual theme, like bridal, or Jesus Christ Superstar. Wear surprising headgear. People come for the spectacle. It’s your job to provide it.
GET A GOOD UNCLE
Behind every great godman is a great uncle. While you take care of heaven, he takes care of earth. He provides seed capital. He manages revenue. He disposes of problems. Remember he has to be good with money, so a chartered accountant or someone with extensive experience in trading activities is preferable.
HIRE EARLY ADOPTERS
Once you have followers, you will be recognised as a godman. This is a simple rule. Credentials are rarely questioned. All you need are enough devotees to fill a long shot on TV. Once the nation sees you with a crowd this size, you will officially become a godman. In order to achieve quick success, the best thing to do is hire some. This is why a well-funded uncle is an essential early prerequisite.
DIVERSIFY QUICKLY
In a kinder, gentler time, godmen would subsist on offerings from devotees. This is still a very good revenue stream, especially if they like to see you in jewelry. However, we live in an era of cutthroat competition. There are many other godmen competing for that share of wallet. What you need is a scalable product line. Most godmen have realized this. Some conduct workshops. Some charge for yoga lessons. Others sell herbal remedies. Personal care products and organic cafes are also good options.
REINVENT YOUR CHILDHOOD
People are not too inquisitive in India. A well-crafted backstory is rarely questioned. Early manifestations of divinity add credibility to your narrative. Let it be known that you were always a dreamy child, much loved by your neighbours. A brief trip to the Himalayas adds adventure to the mix. Signs of early promise would need to be vouched for.
ASSIST IN CHILDBIRTH
Since time immemorial, one of the key roles of godmen has been to help barren couples have children. The process is very simple. Since the problem is obviously the woman, she stays over with the godman, who gives her a special blessing. As a result of the special blessing, the woman is cured, and conceives shortly after. If you are a male aspirant, you will need to serve the community in this position.
SUPPORT LOCAL GOVERNMENT
You must number amongst your devotees senior officials in the local government. Land acquisition is integral to your business model, and this requires their blessings. In this area, you will need to develop relationships based on give and take. They bless you. You bless them. Here too, as in so much else, uncle will play a crucial role.
ARRANGE FOR SOME WHITE PEOPLE
White people have vacated the throne, but they retain a big place in our hearts. You must ensure that you have some. People will be impressed. Plus in case of an unfortunate misunderstanding, which uncle will swiftly resolve, they make policemen nervous. In India, it’s better to have policemen nervous. When they’re confident, they become unmanageable.
* * * * *
If you follow these simple rules, your career as godman should flourish. All the best in your future endeavours, and remember, whatever you do, don’t let them in with mobile phones.
[Courtesy: Quartz]
August 13, 2015
Conversation about this article
1: Arjan Singh (USA), August 14, 2015, 12:18 PM.
The sad fact about the following that this 'charlatan' -- Sai Baba -- had is that even well-educated Indians follow him and contributed to his riches. Only in India can you get away with abusing innocent children and still have millions touching your feet and follow you like a rock star. I had the unfortunate experience of working along a Punjab Hindu woman who had just arrived from India. She had a picture of this criminal at her desk. As I came in to work with a full beard, she asked me with a puzzled and fearful look if I was going to continue to keep a beard. I engaged her in conversation and very tactfully put a few choicest abuses in her ears about these so-called ‘godmen’. Only then did she come back to her senses. Thanks a lot sikhchic.com for publishing this article so that the general public can be informed. Here is an article that was published on CNN.com about another Indian 'godman' who is being accused of child sexual abuse: http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/06/us/guru-convicted-of-abusing-followers-children-fled-justice/
2: Baldev Singh (Bradford, United Kingdom), August 14, 2015, 7:57 PM.
The so-called godmen and godwomen make a mockery of any education and God because ultimately they only want fame and fortune and don't really understand that the consequences of lying, cheating and fraud in a spiritual context must pay a price ... and it's usually on planet Earth!
3: Kaala Singh (Punjab), August 15, 2015, 3:32 PM.
Great to know that "Radhe Maa" is a Sikh. What's wrong if she too is in the "divine healing" business like so many others. This is a legitimate profession in India, if you ask me!
4: Bhai Harbans Lal (Dallas,Texas, USA), August 17, 2015, 3:41 PM.
There are more rules. If you wish to sleep, tell visitors you need to go in meditation. Keep some pets. Declare that they were your disobedient followers in their past lives; they are here to repent and serve so that they may attain moksha. Learn some songs from each of the religions. Hire three musicians to stay around you. Get on the phone once a week at odd times and tell those in your audience, you need privacy as a world leader is calling to consult. Etc., etc ...
5: Baldev Singh (Bradford, United Kingdom), August 17, 2015, 10:03 PM.
Commentator #4 Harbans Lal ji ... You certainly know your Hinduism and the 'Sant-Babay' conundrums. To see these people so enslaved in morbid superstition which always ends in tears, makes me grateful for the extraordinary liberation afforded to us by the guidance of Guru Nanak.
6: Kaala Singh (Punjab), August 19, 2015, 12:23 PM.
@5: From the little I know about #4 Bhai Harbans Lal ji, who was born in and spent some time in NWFP (now in Pakistan) like my father, I can guarantee that he knows more about Sikhi than may of those we see masquerading as Sikhs.